#i mean ive loved history since i was about 8 and we started learning about the romans

[helianskies]

student: wait how come you know so much about history

me:

[tillinghastcorporatemedia]

Often Dystopia (And how its gonna affect my art)

As much as there are some seriously good dystopian fiction. (yes im enamored with sci-fi) personally to me it almost feels tired but i understand the appeal and popularity

But how does this effect my art, and turn TillinGhast Corporate Media

Well first let me explain what TillinGhast Corporate Media is

TGCM was and is me taking what little part of my previous project that never took off and i never made it very far with, Tillinghast

Tillinghast was my outlet for my anger and isolation, and originally began after the death of my grandfather and the falling out of the people i had tried to gather for a band

I had written an ep dealing with my loss and an album that was inspired by election day 2016 and the amount of anger that i felt towards the establishment that i was already growing increasingly tired of

I ended that project after 2-3 years of trying to find vocalists/funds/and start making art

after that died i didnt touch any project and just wrote shitty electronic again, much like everytime i get bored with writing metal, but this time i had much more fun making just beeps and boops with no expectation of vocals and just making basic looping music

So where did TillinGhast Corporate Media come from?

If you notice i did keep the tillinghast name, as i found out when i first started this solo shit, isnt wasnt in use by any active musicians, and i only found one band that hadnt been active in over 8 years

But i wanted something new

something different

So i kinda let my focus on music, the thing i had been doing for over 10 years, go to the side to try and create elsewhere, right at the beginning of 2020

the first thing i thought i would try?

Writing a book

Which as a lot of people on here know, is really really really really really fucking hard to do, especially when you start this shit working a 9 hour overnight shift and writing on days off while everyone else you care about is asleep

And in figuring out what i had wanted to write then, i decided to not go big, but to try and keep me entertained, i needed more than just a few characters

So using a small chunk of info i had written down when i was trying to get into dnd and make my own scifi version of the game, i created a few planets, each with different species and histories and lore and economies

and i made a decision

Each planet would have different stories

to try and keep me entertained

which worked for about a year, and i havent updated since because i have trouble making myself create anything other than music, but i dont wanna get too recent or on a tangent

But why the name TillinGhast Corporate Media?

Well, because it sounds cool as shit. I used to love vaporwave and alternative genres and anything i could find that was "weird"

but also at some point i decided that if i do ever blow up, i want to hire other creatives and actually pay them well, and give them a place to really get out a message for the future

But its just me

So i get to have all the say

at least for now

But why a universe you ask? Why is this so damn long? Get to the point?

well at least for two of those im trying to be verbose and explain myself, and honestly if you read this far i love you and hope that youll stay here on this journey with me

I've always wanted to be part of a group, art creative, touring band, etc.

Ive gotten close only once or twice, but ive always been diy and taught myself shit so i figured i wanted to combine all of my loves into one thing, one giant sandbox where i can be creative in my decisions

And once again, i didnt want it to be just me. So TillinGhast Corporate Media will always be changing and evolving as i learn more about this giant world im having to navigate

I will say there will probably errors or fails, but i want this to be inclusive and open and loving so other people can use this as a means to escape, if even for a little bit, the harsh reality we all face.

Much like i got an escape in music and books as a kid and teenager

So why a universe? because a universe is big and can hold many stories and many perspectives, much like a library can hold many different pieces of knowledge

So to get to the final point, for those of you who actually made it this far based on the title

TillinGhast Corporate Media both as myself and as a future idea or brand

at least for now

Will not ever be a dystopia story

I have not forced myself to change and grow and evolve and continue to sit in my negativity and apathy and just general poopy pants view of the world

To not try with all my might to maybe write something that while not a utopia, is not dystopia and imagines a brighter, better, future where people maybe dont have to worry about as much, because they learned from our awful horrible past and actually refuse to repeat any of it

To try and make this more about characters and stories and music and the things that make myself and others smile, instead of regurgitated dystopias where even basic life is rough

does this mean everything will be all flowers and butterflies and my little pony?

absolutely the fuck not

Truth is often stranger than fiction and anything can happen even in a shiny place, but the point is to not be a negative nancy and have a bunch of shitty stuff going on all the time

One of the planets is a floating colony with what little remains of the human race

One planet is basically in the middle of an uprising of an exiled group

The book im writing (kinda spoilery but idk if ever ill finish this damn thing) literally has an act of terrorism being planned from someone who was radicalized by a really bad group that is basically space religion and its many parallels

All of my short stories are slice of life stuff that happens in a few scenarios where each character reacts to an outside force

But this wont ever be some dragged out for purely entertainment type angsty or edgy or anything like some books do with trauma

i want to look at stuff like we're building to something better, not something worse. optimistic but not utopia or something like that

(honestly this point ive already kinda gotten myself choked up so im gonna wrap it up)

But TillinGhast Corporate Media is basically my idea for a better future

and maybe im wrong and my stuff sucks and i need to change it

i have no idea because no one really follows my shit

so i just do what i want within the dumb boundaries and expectations i place on myself

but it is has been better before and it will get better again, and i am tired of that place being only in my head

so im creating this big huge universe with aliases that i call "artists" so it looks like there is actual musicians in this universe, i at one point started on a medium length animation series, and im trying to use my shitty computer to learn 3d shit

So stick around, at least you'll get some music out of it

and on that note i will mention i do have a few singles and 2 albums out, all of which is on youtube and streaming sites (its on spotify but i fucking hate spotify both as a company and some of the people they sponsor stream on any other site please you'll give more money to your favorite artists)

[pillowprincessbee]

1. Were you named after someone

Yes my grandpa he died three months after I was born but even before my mom was pregnant with me she said she was always gonna name her child after him

2. When was the last time you cried

A couple days ago my grandma insults me quite frequently and it gets to be to much espicially being on vacation visiting her sister with her

3. Do you have any kids

I actually want one but I’m like girl wait Ive had a few scares tho since my birth control interacts with another med of mine and prevents the child thing. I have nieces and nephews I love very much and every time I see them I’m like ahh I want a. Baby

4 do you use sarcasm a lot

Only with my mom really we are sarcastic i don’t use it with a lot of people I don’t think

5 Whats the first thing you notice about people

Facial features and personality especially when people are rude or judgmental I tend to notice really quickly

6 whats your eye color

Grey it’s not like slate grey it’s really pale and it makes me look Creepy sometimes

7 scary movies or happy endings?

SCARY MOVIESS I love scary movies so much I literally have probably spent so much money horror movies.

8 any special talents?

I can play alto sax and piano Idk if that’s special but I learned how to psychologically analyze people at 14 cause I have an odd fixation with the mind I guess that’s special being 14 I mean I didn’t like master it but for a 14 year old it was kinda empressive

9 where were you born

Cleveland Texas their is only one hospital their and now it’s closed but my mom worked their my mom is a nurse she literally was so mean pregnant is what I’ve been told by her old co-workers

10 what are your hobbies

Researching law history psychology politics . Crocheting, collecting squishmallows, reading is the most important

11 do you have any pets

Yes a pitbull prince and a yorkie Duke I’m really sad to be moving away from them but I’ll be able to see them on breaks.

12 do you play any sports

Not anymore I used to do marching band in highschool and softball when I was younger. Now I just ride motorcycles we’ll just one I only own one and only reason I’m including that is cause riding bikes is dangerous and expensive like cause bikes that I tend to love and the one I bought is pricey and riding suits are expensive but they keep u safe

13 how tall are you

5’3 160 cm i stopped growing around 14

14 favorite subject in school

Highschool I loved reading and creative riding and currently I love my law classes espically criminal procedure

15 Dream job

Probably attorney general a senator Supreme Court justice I would love to be able to take time off once I have a kid that’s why I started investing in real estate but I think I really wanna be in the cia or fbi but I love law so much and being in court

@imliketheiceifreeze @dyingofcookies

15 questions and 15 mutuals

I was tagged by @mexicangela @boobiebaguettebouquet @hart-kinsella & @movrings 💖

Were you named after anyone?

I was almost named after someone but it changed because the name 'sounded too old'. I was almost an 80 year old baby 😂

When was the last time you cried?

Full-on cried? Probably months ago. I got a little teary watching Black Panther: Wakanda Forever recently though.

Do you have kids?

No, but I'd like to one day. But that's a whole other complicated issue.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Yep. If I ever stop being sassy, assume I'm dead.

What's the first thing you notice about people?

Physically? Their eyes. Personality-wise, their sense of humor and the way they laugh.

What's your eye color?

Blue.

Scary movies or happy endings?

Both. Both is good. I like being scared, but I also hate being scared...and I think I speak for everyone when I say you can't beat a good rom-com!!!

Any special talents?

Hmmm, apparently I can throw my voice and it freaks people out - that's my theater training in action babyyy!!! 😂

Where were you born?

In the words of Bruce Springsteen, I was born in the USA (sorry).

What are your hobbies?

I hate this question so much because I always have this moment of staring wistfully into the middle distance like 'what is a hobby?' lmao BUT I guess I'd have to say writing, playing the piano, video games (just finished Resident Evil: Village and about to get onto the DLC)

Have any pets?

Three chaotic dogs - one of them has emotional problems so fireworks are his arch enemy (but so are trucks, the doorbell, wine corks, balloons, the vacuum....I could go on)

What sports do you play/have you played?

Tennis, badminton, lacrosse, hockey, but not anymore! I'm more of a yoga/pilates gal these days.

How tall are you?

5 ft 2. SMOL.

Favorite subject in school?

English & Drama.

Dream job?

Writer for TV & Film, although I have a few novels left in me yet - although I do think about getting into interior design staging every now and then. Either way it comes down to something creative & flexible (like me 😏)

I'm tagging (if you feel like it!): @existential-labrador @biscuitboxpink @stephaniejuhnay @angelofmusings @targaryenvampireslayer @babyjakes @winter2112rose @cardierreh15 @whiskeyncoke-redux @iguessweallcrazyithinktho @sarcastic-coffeedrinker @thelastsock @sillyrabbit81 @inlovewithhisblueeyes @gyllenhaalstories

[just-dreaming-marvel]

Love and Medicine ~ 14

MASTERLIST

< previous chapter

Word Count: 5,000ish

Summary: Just another day at the medical center, right? (Based off Grey’s Anatomy)

Heading back into the hospital, you went straight for Natasha’s room. The other interns were already in there, surrounding her bed.

“Hey,” you smiled, walking over to her. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” she responded. “I’m okay.”

You grabbed her hand and gave it a slight squeeze. She needed to know that you were there for her, but you weren’t going to push her into talking about something she wasn’t ready to talk about.

~~~

You slammed down a shot, needing to feel the alcohol rush down your throat. 

“How was Nat when you left, Scott?” Val asked, bringing more drinks over.

“She said she was okay, again,” he responded with a slight shrug.

“Nobody goes what she went through and is totally over it by now.”

“Natasha can.”

“She’s fine,” you added, taking another shot.

“Too fine,” Val said. “She’s cold.”

“No, she’s hardcore,” Clint said. “She’s got ice in her veins. She does what she has to do to get through it.”

“She lost a baby. She lost a fallopian tube and she’s acting like she doesn’t even care. She’s acting like she has no emotions or warmth, like she’s missing a soul.”

“She’s gonna make a great surgeon.”

“Clint!”

“It’s true. You show no weakness, you make it to the top.”

“Some people just keep their feelings to themselves,” you commented.

Your eyes were on the door, where Steve had just walked in. If he noticed you, he didn’t make it noticeable. You watched as he walked over to the bar and sat beside Gamora. Steve ordered a drink from Happy before talking to Gamora. Too bad you were too far away to hear them.

“Y/N kissed me,” Steve told Gamora. “Peggy kissed me… My wife and my girlfriend kissed me on the same day.”

“Happy, do I look friend to you?” Gamora asked.

“Oh, you’re a tiny little kitten of joy and love,” Happy responded, only for Gamora to make a face. “What? He saved my life.”

“His first mistake.” She took a sip of her drink. “Captain McDreamy, go sit by someone who cares.”

“Oh gee,” Steve mocks hurt, but doesn’t make a move to go. “Everything’s gonna be fine. Peggy will leave. Y/N and I will start over. Everything’s gonna be fine. Right?”

“You are so damn stupid.”

~~~

“With Natasha out, I need everyone focused today,” Gamora told her group of interns as you all headed off to rounds. “I have a feeling it’s gonna be be one of those days and since we’re short an intern, you do not want to get on my bad side.”

“When are we not on her bad side?” You whispered to Clint.

“Speak for yourself,” he replied with a scoff. “Scott and I are her favorites.”

The group walked into their first patients room. The woman was sitting on the bed, enthralling a group of hospital workers with a tell.

“So we're in the middle of the Belizean jungle and this jaguarondi jumps out and bites one of the guides,” the woman says. “They all look at me. They're yelling, "You're a doctor, help him!" This is one time a PhD does no good.” The people laugh.

“Sorry,” Gamora interrupted, “did I miss the memo about social hour?” Everyone quickly began leaving besides your group.

“Tales of missionary life,” the woman explained.

“You’re a missionary?” Val asked.

“No, my parents. We traveled a lot. Well, they still do.”

“Lang, tell me about our patient,” Gamora ordered.

“Okay, um, this is Dr. Banner’s patient, Talya,” Scott explained. “She, uh, presents with multiple syncopal episodes and ventricular arrhythmias.”

“So you’ve been passing out?” Gamora asked.

“Yeah,” Talya confirmed, “and having palpitations.”

“Talya has past medical history of rheumatic heart disease with mitral valve stenosis,” Scott added.

“They had to ship me from Zambia to the States for 3 months of treatment when I was 8,” Tayla said. “Rheumatic fever almost killed me.”

“Someone please tell me what the primary causes of ventricular arrhythmias are,” Gamora said.

Before anyone in the room could responded, Natasha appeared in the doorway. She leaned up against it in her hospital gown with her IV stand.

“Valvular disease, mitral valve prolapse, stimulants, drugs, and metabolic abnormalities,” Natasha answered.

“Out!” Gamora ordered.

“I’m fine.”

“Out! And you better be in your bed by the time we round on you!”

“And when will that be?”

“In 15 seconds. 14. 13. 13. 11.” 

Natasha turned around to head to her room, revealing her underwear through her nightgown. The group of interned laughed.

“Nice panties, Romanoff!” Peter laughed.

Natasha flips him the bird as she keeps waking. “In your dreams, Quill.”

They followed Natasha into the room, where she huffed as she got back into bed.

“L/N,” Gamora called.

“Right,” you responded. “Natasha Romanoff. Post-op day 3 from a unilateral salpingectomy.”

“And ready to get back to work,” Natasha said. “I'm taking solids and my pain is controlled with oral meds. I'm ready.”

“Well, it says here on your chart on you had a fever?”

“Y/N,” Nat growled.

“Natasha, did you have a fever?” Gamora questioned.

“Temp spiked to 101 last night. Big deal.”

“She worked 2 shifts last month with a 102 degree flu,” Clint added.

“Yes! Exactly, Clint. Thank you.”

“And we appreciate your dedication but you're staying in bed until it normalizes,” Gamora said. “You need to relax, shut up, and get better. You're a patient this week so you can be a doctor next week. Understand?”

“I understand,” Natasha grumbled.

~~~

Rounds had finished as you were heading to your assignment when you ran into Steve near the elevators.

“Skipping rounds?” He wondered.

“No,” you replied. “They just finished.” You kept walking, when Steve took your arm to stop you.

“Y/N…”

“You’ve got a wife.”

“Yes.”

“You’re life is complicated.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t need more complicated. I have that all on my own.”

“Yes.”

“Stop saying yes.”

Steve smiled. “I’m trying not to make any sudden movements.”

“You think this is funny?”

“Peggy’s leaving. She doesn’t have any more patients. There’s no reason for her to be here.”

“No reason? Really?”

“No really whatsoever.”

Steve stepped closer, bringing his hand up to brush your cheek. You stood there, trying to not let it get to your head or, well, anywhere else. Suddenly, Peggy appeared.

“Well now, isn’t this cozy?” She said. “Can I join in or are you not into threesomes?”

“I have to go,” you said, rushing away. You didn’t go too far, interested to watch everything unfold.

“Y/N…” Steve called with a sign. He turned to Peggy. “You really are Satan. You realize that right? If Satan were to take physical form, he'd be you. Everywhere, all the time.”

“I am so not Satan,” Peggy responded.

“How come you haven't got on your broomstick and gone back to where you belong?”

“Stop being petty.”

“Stop being an adulterous bitch.”

“You know, you are going forgive me eventually, right? I mean you can't just ... I mean there was a time when you thought of me as your best friend.”

“There was a time where I thought you were the love of my life. Things change.”

Peggy sighed and pulled some papers out of her bag, handing them to Steve. Steve quickly flipped through them.

“Divorce papers,” he said.

“Your lawyer said they're ok. I haven't signed them yet. The ball's in your court. If you sign, I'll sign. I'll sign and be on the first plane out of here.”

“I'll sign them immediately. I want you out of here as soon as possible.”

“Steve, have you ever thought that, even if I am Satan and an adulterous bitch, that I still might be the love of your life?”

Not answering, Steve walks away, completely not noticing you listening in from behind a pillar.

“What are we looking at?” Tony asked, appearing out of nowhere.

“Ah!” You exclaimed, jumping slightly. “Don’t do that!” You playfully hit him. “You scared me.”

“Sorry,” he laughed. “I just saw you over here and I was interested in seeing what you were observing.”

“I think… I think Peggy just handed Steve divorce papers.”

“Really? That actually surprises me. I thought she would put in a little more of a fight.”

“Yeah…”

“I guess that’s good news for you, right?”

“I guess.”

“You guess?”

“I want him to choose me because of me, not because of a divorce.”

“In my ever humble opinion, I think it will always be you. Trust me. That man is whipped.”

~~~

Natasha snuck out of her room and stole her chart. She sat in her bed as she made changes to it. Walking by, Banner looked in and noticed that no one else was in there. He quickly took the chart of Nat.

“Hey! That’s my chart,” Natasha complained.

“You're the patient. Not the doctor. Act like one,” Bruce reprimands as he studies her chart. “It's been tough finding you alone.”

“Yeah? Well…”

“How are you doing?”

“Well, you have my chart, you tell me.”

He sighed. “Natasha, how are you doing?”

“I’m fine. Perfectly okay.”

“I had a right to know.”

“Well, now you do.”

“Natasha—“

“Look. Now you know. It’s over. There’ soothing for you to deal with. So I don’t know what else there really is left to say.”

“Plenty. For starters you could've come to me—“

“And what? We could have raised it together? Or you could have held my hand when I got the abortion? I did not need any of that. I’m an intern.”

“Nat—“

“Can you just go? I need to rest. Doctor’s orders.”

~~~

Gamora called you to help her with a patient. You two walked into the patient room together, revealing a younger man on the bed.

“I thought I told you I never want to see you again,” Gamora said to the patient.

“That's only cause you're too lazy to learn anything more,” the man responded.

“Dr. Y/N L/N, this is Nick Tate. He thinks he knows so much cause he was one of my first patient's as an intern.”

“I knew as much as she did. She was clueless about how to treat cystic fibrosis. A simple cholecystectomy turned into a month-long stay.”

“Better not be alleging malpractice. Guy raises about a 100 grand a year for cystic fibrosis, running triathlons. Thinks he's a big shot.”

“Wait, you run triathlons?” You questioned, confused how it could as a patient with cystic fibrosis.

“Yeah, why not?” He responded.

“It’s a pain for one,” Gamora replied, flipping through the chart. “Says here you're finally admitting to feeling a little unwell?”

“A little.”

“How little? Truth.”

“Oh, enough to keep me awake at night. Had some seizures. Um, too weak to work out.”

“Anyone been through here with your CT results?”

“No. It's probably just my pancreatitis kicking up again.”

“All right then. We'll be back. With your results and a plan.” Gamora walked to the door, with you following. She glanced back at Nick. “Huh, where do your parents think you are this time?”

He smiled. “Hmm, San Diego.”

Gamora shakes her head as you follow her the rest of the way out of the room.

“What about his parents?” You asked. “Shouldn’t he, or we, tell them?”

“No, he doesn't like to bother them until he's well or about to get discharged. He understands his reality. He just chooses to ignore it. Denial works for him, L/N.”

~~~

After Bruce had left, it only took Natasha two minutes to have found blue scrubs and change into them. She took out her IV and snuck out to the nurses station. She began looking through patient charts. The head nurse, Phil Coulson, found her like that.

“Where’s your IV?” He asked, looking at her with a disappointed father face.

“I've taken solids. I HEP-locked it,” Natasha replied.

“On whose orders?”

“Mine.”

“Okay.” Phil quickly found her chart and began reading it. “Romanoff. How about this order: best rest, out of bed to chair, bathroom privileges. Nothing about stealing charts at the nurses station.”

“Okay, you know what….” She quickly looked around to find a nearby empty wheelchair. She brought it over and sat down in it. “There, satisfied? I’m out of bed to chair.”

“I’m telling your intent on you.”

“Y/N?”

“Yeah.”

“Oooh, I’m so scared.”

She wheeled off with a patient chart, heading to Tayla’s room. When she arrived, she witnessed Tayla, by herself, taking a pill.

“I saw that!” Natasha exclaimed from her wheelchair in the doorway. “I saw you take that pill.”

“Oh it's, it's my pill,” Tayla excused. “You know... the pill.”

Natasha quickly looked over the chart. “It’s not at all in your chart and you are supposed to tell us the meds you are on.”

“You’re not my doctor. You shouldn't even be here.”

“She’s right,” Val said, appearing from behind. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“I saw her take unauthorized medication!” Natasha continued.

“Well, you’re unauthorized to be here.”

“I’m on the pill and I had grapefruit juice this morning,” Tayla explained. “Since the juice inhibits enzymes involved in the metabolism of OCPs, I thought I'd avoid the interaction by taking it two hours after my meal.”

“She's has a doctorate in neuropharmacology, Natasha.”

Natasha huffed, “Well, Val, I don’t see any place where oral contra—“

“Okay so now you will. Will you just go back to bed and stop bothering the other patients?”

Tayla’s heart monitor suddenly started racing, bringing the other women attentions to her. She fell to the floor, unconscious, and Val rushed to her.

“She’s in V-FIB!” Natasha said. 

“Call the code,” Val ordered as she began compressions.

Natasha practically jumped out of her chair to call a code, which didn’t feel good. Val got Tayla back as the code team arrived.

“No code?” The nurse questioned.

“Not anymore,” Val answered. “Can you help get her back into bed.

“I’ll—I’ll help,” Natasha breathed got, struggling to get back to her wheelchair. “Just give me a minute.”

“Would you just go back to bed? Seriously, please just go.”

Natasha nodded as she finally made it to the wheelchair. “Just… if she’s on OCP’s, mark it down. Okay, Val?”

“Yeah.”

~~~

You had gotten Nick’s x-ray’s back and were currently putting them up to view them with Gamora by your side.

“Nick’s got a mass in his midepigastrium,” you explained. “Diffused enlargement of the pancreas. That, with his hypoglycemic seizures—“

“He's going to need an exploratory laparotomy. But, despite his triathlons, his lungs still make me hesitant to cut,” Gamora added.

“What are we going to do?”

“I haven’t gotten that far yet.”

“Doctors,” Peggy greeted.

“Dr. Carter-Rogers.”

“How old is he?” Peggy asked, studying the x-rays.

“26.”

“Survivor, huh?”

“And them some. My patient for at least 5 years. I'm not gonna lose him now.”

“You planning a laparotomy?”

“Hmm. You know, I think I could help you with this. I've seen one case like this before in a 9 year old. We ended up having to do a total pancreotectomy.”

“I'd be honored to take any help you can give me.”

“You’re a neonatal specialist,” you said. “What, uh… this isn’t your area.” Gamora looked at you, annoyed, as she shock her head. “I’m just saying that—“

“I did 2 years genetic research in cystic fibrosis,” Peggy told you. “I've pretty much seen it all, Dr. L/N.”

“Oh.”

~~~

Walking down the hall, Steve found you. Always trying his best to make a conversation with you. This time it was easy.

“Are you sure your wife is leaving?” You questioned. “She offered to help on the case Gamora has me working on.”

“Just because she offered her services doesn't mean she intends to stay,” Steve responded.

“Well, what does it mean? Because it seems to me—“

“It means that she's a good doctor.”

“Huh… why are you suddenly defending her?”

“I’m not. Y/N, she gave me divorce papers. She filed.”

“Good for you.”

“All I have to do is sign, and I’m free… We’re free.”

“Is there anything to think about?”

“No,” he shook his head, “of course not. I have to read through them, sign, then Peggy’s on the next plane out of here.” He grabbed your hands. “This is going to work.”

~~~

After the conversation he had with you, Steve immediately went searching for Gamora.

“Of all the fine doctors in the city, you accept a consult from Peggy Carter,” Steve said, angrily.

“Carter-Rogers, isn’t it?” Gamora retorted.

“The point is she should be on her way home. Are you purposefully trying to drive me crazy?”

“You think this has something to do with you?” Gamora’s voice was loud and upset. “You think I’m even thinking about you and your romantic problems? I’m trying to help a patient very near and dear to my heart. And if consulting with your wife—your ex—your mistress, what ever it is that she becomes! If that’s the thing I have to do to save my patient, them I’m damn well gonna do it.”

“I understand… and I totally deserve the yelling. It’s just that—“

“Just, you look! You have put yourself between two very fine women and you looking for an easy way out and you wanna use me, and the hospital and... somebody to make the decision for you, and it's not gonna happen!”

“Could I just… could I just say a couple of things?”

“No.” Gamora stormed off.

~~~

You found Natasha sitting in her bed, in her room. Thankfully. Though she was looking through another patient’s chart. You pulled a chair up to her bedside and sat down in it with a sigh.

“What’s your problem?” Natasha asked.

“Peggy gave Steve divorce papers, which is good. I mean she’s still here, being Peggy, but it’s not like I’m jealous or anything.”

“That’s odd.”

“It’s odd I’m not jealous?”

“No, you have every right to be jealous. It's your territory and she's peeing all over it.” Natasha went back to focusing on the chart in her hands. “What’s odd is Banner’s patient.”

“Tayla?”

“Yeah. She’s been in 4 other hospitals this year. You know something’s not right.”

“You seem awfully interested in Banner’s patient.”

“This has nothing to do with Bruce.”

“Natasha, you lost a fallopian tube, a baby and a boyfriend all in one day. You have the right to be upset.”

“And you’re losing Captain McDreamy to his perfect wife. You have the right to be jealous.”

“I did not lose Captain McDreamy. Divorce papers, remember? And I’m not jealous.”

“And I’m not upset. I really need to get out of here.”

“You’re on bedrest, remember?”

“Okay, if the situation was reversed, would you wanna spend time with your mother in a confined room with one window?”

“No. I guess not. But still. You need to stay put.” 

Before Natasha could respond, your pager beeped. You looked down at it and groaned.

“I got to go,” you muttered, leaving.

“Good luck!”

~~~

Peggy and Gamora met you in Nick’s room. There you began explaining the surgery to him.

“We won't know for sure until we go in there, but it looks like that I'm going to have to take out your pancreas and re-route your intestines,” Peggy said.

Nick looked at Gamora. “Did you tell her that my lungs don't do well with anesthesia?”

“Don’t I always have your back?” Gamora retorted.

“Your kidney function is decreasing rapidly and I'm afraid you're gonna go into multi-system organ failure if we don't operate,” Peggy continued.

“If I say no?” Nick wondered.

“There’s no guarantees, Nick. You know that,” Gamora answered. “It's gonna be a long, hard surgery and put a lot of stress on your body.”

“Yeah,” he smiled, “but I’m me.”

She smiled back. “But you’re you.”

“So if we don’t operate, I die. And if… we do operate, I may die.”

“Basically, yes,” Peggy responded.

“Well, I like those odds. And 26 years with this disease is awesome. And that's the reality. So if I get lucky ... great. And if I don’t…” Nick grabbed Gamora’s hand, “it’s been sweet.”

“It’s gonna stay sweet,” she replied.

~~~

Natasha was laying on her bed with her harm over her eyes when Clint walked into the room. Tayla’s chart was laid out on top of her.

“Why do you have that?” He asked.

“I’m working,” Nat answered. “Trying to figure out what’s going on with the crazy woman on four.”

“You are the crazy woman on four. Though, I have to say, you have a better patina than me and you don’t even really have a patient.” Clint plopped down in the chair next to her bed. “Y/N’s got a CF case. Peter has a gunshot wound. Val’s got the mystery arrhythmias. I have babysitting a crazy old lady! I’d rather do scut with Scott than this! I’m a surgeon. A cutter. I don’t want to be a fake surgeon! I want to be a real one!”

“She’s faking it,” Nat repeated to herself. She quickly got off the bed. “The missionary. Talya… Thank you!” 

She patted Clint’s head as she walked by. Natasha headed straight for the nurses station, where she saw Val looking around for something.

“Val!” Natasha called. “How how Talya’s studies been?”

“Hey!” Val responded, not pleasantly as she took the chart from Nat. “I’ve been looking everywhere for that!”

“Negative, right?”

“Oh! The echo tests showed mild mitral stenosis, the tilt test was negative. We're doing EP studies.”

“I can tell you what's wrong with her without sticking electrodes in her heart.”

“Really. Just by the chart?”

“No, from the pill she took.”

“They were contraceptives, Natasha! Why are you so obsessed with this? Just go back to bed!”

“I think she’s doing this to herself.”

“You think she's inducing ventricular arrhythmias? She'd have to be crazy to do—“

“No, no, no. She'd have to have Munchausen’s.”

“Okay wait. You think she's secretly ingesting something to produce real symptoms? Seriously?”

“Yes. Run it by Banner and tell me what he thinks.”

“Why don’t you tell him yourself. He is standing right behind you.” Val made eye contact with the man. “Dr. Banner.” 

Then Val left. Leaving Natasha will Bruce. She sighed as Bruce guided her into the small office nearby before listening to her.

“I mean, she obviously loves the patient role. She practically lives in hospitals. And... and, and we're like an imaginary family to her because her really family blows her off to go take care of other people.... And, and I saw her take something.”

“It's not enough,” Bruce said, shaking his head. “We have to rule out everything else. Everything physical.”

“She even lied about her job. She's a pharmacy tech, not a PhD.”

“So she's a liar. I've been lied to before.”

“Hey, we're not talking about us here.”

“Maybe we should be.”

“I didn’t lie!”

“You withheld the truth from me. How was00”

“Okay, you know what? I distinctly remember you breaking things off with me. And you didn't seem so upset about it. And this?” She motioned between herself and Bruce. “This is, this is not a relationship. This is not real.”

“Natasha…”

“Okay, and, and so what's with the big display of fake hurt and drama?” She began walking out of the room.

“Natasha!”

“I’m supposed to be in bed.”

~~~

You absolutely did not want to be in surgery with Peggy. Yet there you were.

“I need more traction,” Peggy stated. “Dr. Y/N?” You quickly did as you were told.

“Here,” Gamora called, “give me some suction there.” So you did. “Now L/N, retract the duodenum. Good. How’s he doing Vis?”

Vis was keeping watch over Nick’s vitals and such. “Harder to ventilate and no urine output since we started,” Vis informed.

Peggy shook her head, “he’s shutting down.”

“Did you increase his peak pressures?” Gamora asked.

“Any higher, I blow his lungs,” Vis responded before the monitor beeped. “Bradycardia. Pushing 1 of atropine.”

“Try ventilating him manually,” Peggy ordered, “see if he starts coming back up.” Vis began pushing on a bag.

“Did we miss any bleeders?” Gamora wondered.

“The surgical field is clear.”

The monitor began beeping faster. “Agonal rhythm,” you said.

“Any pulse with that?” Gamora asked.

“No carotid,” Vis answered.

“Okay, starting CPR.” Gamora handed over her tools and begun CPR. “Push one of EPI.”

“No extraordinary measures, Gamora,” Peggy warned. “He’s DNR.”

“No this is just good medicine.” Sh continued CPR, almost frantically. “Come on! Come on! Don’t give up. Come on.”

“You’re getting tired,” you noted. “Let me take over, Dr. Gamora.” She nodded, letting you quickly switch her places.

“Gamora, his intestines are cyanotic,” Peggy stated. ��There’s no blood circulating.”

“It’s been shunted to his brain where he needs it,” Gamora responded as she studied your CPR form. “You call those compressions.” She shoved you to the side and took over CPR. You and Peggy made eye contact, worried. “Fight it. Come on.” Peggy looked around, shaking her head, and everyone stopped what they were doing. All but Gamora. “Why isn’t anyone moving? Whose recording?”

“It's been ten minutes since we've had a perfusing rhythm.” Peggy goes to stop Gamora but is shrugged off. The monitor flat lines. “It’s your call, Gamora.”

Taking a shaky inhale, Gamora stopped. She pulled off her mask as the monitor continues to flat line. “Asystole.” She looked up at the clock. “Time of death: 19:35.”

Gamora rushed out of the OR, trying not to cry. She went straight to the sinks and began cleaning her hands furiously. She paused when she noticed people covering up Nick’s body. Peggy walked in and started washing her hands as well, with you following. You both eyed Gamora a few times, worried. Soon, she left.

Peggy sighed. “It’s hard to accept the end when you’re too close.” She looked down as she slipped her wedding ring back onto her finger. She noticed you watching. “Look, I don't want someone who doesn't want me, Y/N. But if there's the slightest chance that he does, I'm not leaving New York.”

~~~

Val walked into Natasha’s room, not excited for the news she was about to tell her.

“Well?” Natasha asked.

“You were right,” Val sighed. “Talya definitely suffers from Munchausen’s.”

“See I was right…. I was right…” She closed her eyes. “I was right…” Nat began to cry. “I was right. I was… I was right. Oh… I’m—I’m—“ She let out a sob. “I’m right. I’m—I’m right.”

Val looked out of the room to see Clint walking by. “Clint! Page Y/N!”

Clint hurried in. “Why? What—what’s happening? What did you do to her?”

“She just started crying and I don’t know what to do!”

“I’ll get one of the nurses to page, Y/N.” Clint rushed out.

“Natasha,” Val tried, slowly coming closer. “Natasha, calm down.”

“The nurses paged her!” Clint came rushing back in.

“It’s okay, Nat.” Val went in for a hug, only for Nat to shrink away and cry harder. “Okay, okay. I won’t hug you.”

“What’s going on?” You came running in, panicked.

“I can’t stop!” Nat cried. “I can’t—-I can’t stop…”

“Crying,” Val finished for her. “She can’t stop crying.”

“I can’t see that!” You replied. “What did you guys do to her?”

“Nothing!”

“She’s going to dehydrate,” Clint said. “Nat, do you want some water?”

Nat shook her head, “no, no…” You tried to go in for a hug, only to be pulled away.

“NO!” Clint and Val exclaimed.

“I already tried that,” Val said. “It just made it worse.” Clint tentatively handed Nat a tissue.

“Natasha,” you tried again.

“Make—make it stop,” Natasha sobbed. “Make it stop… Somebody sedate me!”

“What’s going on in here?” Bruce asked, walking in. He was dressed like he was about to leave. There was clear concern etched on his face. 

“We can’t get her to stop crying,” you replied.

“Y/N, get everyone else out of here.” Bruce was taking off his jacket. “Watch the door.”

You nodded, quickly ushering Clint and Val out. They voiced protests, but willing left. You shut the door behind you and watched. Peeking through the window, you watched as Bruce got in the bed beside Nat. He wrapped his arms around her and brought her close, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. Natasha willingly curled into him, welcoming his comfort. You sighed and turned away, leaning against the door to keep watch. Steve noticed you and came up.

“Hey,” he smiled.”

“Hey.”

“When are you off?”

“Uh,” you glanced at your watch, “in about an hour. Why?”

“Meet me at Happy’s when you get off.” He started walking backwards, sly smirk on his lips. “Don’t be late.”

~~~

Steve and you arrived at Happy’s bar at the same time. He gave you a smile as he held the door open for you. You walked over to an empty table, Steve close behind.

“I’m glad we’re doing this,” you said.

“Me too,” Steve replied. He set it briefcase on his chair. “Want a drink?”

“Yes, please.”

Turning around, Steve knocked his briefcase onto the ground. A stack of papers slipped out.

“I’ve got it,” Steve quickly said, bending down.

“I’ll get it,” you said, picking up the papers.

You glance at the papers as you stand back up. There his divorce papers, that he has yet to sign.

next chapter >

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[religioused]

When the Spirit is in Charge

by Gary Simpson

Acts 10:44-48 (CEV)

While Peter was still speaking, the Holy Spirit took control of everyone who was listening. Some Jewish followers of the Lord had come with Peter, and they were surprised that the Holy Spirit had been given to Gentiles.

46 Now they were hearing Gentiles speaking unknown languages and praising God. Peter said, "These Gentiles have been given the Holy Spirit, just as we have! I am certain that no one would dare stop us from baptizing them." Peter ordered them to be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ, and they asked him to stay on for a few days.

Reflection:

“While Peter was still speaking, the Holy Spirit took control of everyone.” “The Holy Spirit took control.” Keep this line in mind. We will come back to the theme.

There is a lot going on today. This is Mother’s Day. We are combining Mother’s Day and Father’s Day into one day. We are celebrating family. This is also the second week of Asian History Month.

This is a day when we recognize and appreciate the many people who had parenting roles in our lives, including, but not limited to:

• Biological, foster, and adoptive parents.

• Parents of choice.

• Aunts, uncles, grandparents.

• Teachers.

• Neighbors, employers and supervisors.

As I prepare to light this candle, I encourage you to think of people who provided loving parenting and quasi-parenting roles in your life.

The second candle is for all members of our families.

The third candle is for the Asian people in our community and our lives.

We light these candles as a way of thanking God for the people who built into our lives, for families of origin and families of choice, and for Asians who pioneered Canada and who continue to pioneer Canada.

May is Asian History Month. During May, Canadians are encouraged to learn more about the achievements and contributions of Asian Canadians. A few groups we might not think of as Asian, include:

• Some Arabs, such Lebanese, and some Jewish people, and some Russians.

• Persians, Afghanis, Turks.

• Indians and Pakistanis.

There are so many Asian different countries of ancestry and so many different cultures, languages, and religions that we could spend years learning about our neighbors, friends, classmates, and colleagues.

Currently, I think we might be seeing more hate targeting Asian communities than we have seen at any other time since World War 2. The importance of learning about the history and contributions of Asians is very high. Some people are calling the Coronavirus the Chinese virus. Let’s compare hate crimes before and after the Coronavirus pandemic. A comparison of Vancouver hate crimes between January and September of 2019 and 2020 showed an 878% increase in hate crimes targeting Asians.(1) This is added to the ongoing problem of hate targeting many people of broadly Asian descent. About 18% of all Canadian hate crimes in 2017 targeted Jewish people. In 2017 17% of Canadian hate crimes targeted Muslims.(2) A total of 35% of all hate crimes were religious hate crimes. Because some Muslims and some Jewish people have Asian heritage, this means that some of the religious discrimination is targeting Asian people.

In contemporary society, it almost feels like there is no such thing as a freak accident – somebody always has to be at fault, so we seek to blame and to litigate. So some people are referring to the Coronavirus as the China virus. That might be a factor in the massive increase in hate directed toward Asians.

Because of the pandemic, we are afraid – afraid for our jobs and businesses, our freedom and convenience, our way of life. We are also afraid of getting sick. We may mask our fears with angry outbursts and hate. Some of the anger and fear targets Asian people. Fearing members of other groups, xenophobia, is nothing new. Some xenophobia was probably working behind the scenes in ancient Palestine.

Perhaps, Jewish people had reason to feel a little threatened by non-Jewish people. There is a history of conflict ranging over more than 4,400 years. An USA Today article indicates that Jerusalem was captured and recaptured at least 20 times. Conflict over Jerusalem seems to have started no later than 2,500 years before Christ and ended in 1967.(3) Over 575 years before Christ, Solomon's Temple was destroyed. Another Temple was built about 515 years before Christ.(4) Jewish protests against Antiochus IV resulted in a backlash against Jewish people. He marched on Jerusalem, ordered the killing of 80 thousand people and sold about the same number into slavery. He also desecrated the Temple.(5) By about 63 AD, the area of ancient Israel came under Roman rule.(6) Jewish people, once again, found themselves under the control of a foreign imperial power. Roman rule was not always ideal. Pontius Pilate was so brutal that in 37 CE, he was ordered to give an account to the emperor.(7) The roots of xenophobia were probably fed, watered, and nourished by oppression coming from Gentiles.

Earlier in Acts Chapter 10, Peter has a vision that shows Peter that God is a universalist God, an inclusive God for all people. Then we read part of Peter’s sermon and we see the Holy Spirit poured out upon the Gentile Believers. “I am truly convinced . . . that there is no favoritism with God, but that He is ready to receive any man in any nation who reverences Him and who does what is right.”(8) “The Holy Spirit took control.” As Peter is making the point that righteous people of all nations are accepted by God, the Spirit fills the Gentile followers of Jesus. This sermon could be the first sermon preached about Jesus.(9) There are a number of important elements in Peter’s sermon. I think two important parts of the sermon are the universal, worldwide nature of the Gospel, and the anointing of God being poured out upon Gentiles.

The dream helped Peter understand that the Kingdom of God is inclusive and universalist and that God breaks down the barriers of fear, prejudice, discrimination, and hate between groups of people. “The Holy Spirit took control.” The Spirit comes down on Jesus' Gentile followers. This manifestation of God was not expected by Jesus' Jewish followers and it was evidence that God accepted Gentile Believers completely. Seeing an unexpected move of God in the lives of others has the power transform our lives and to help us love people we used to fear or believe are either deficient or defective.

God’s love is impressive. From a Trinitarian perspective, God’s love is shown in the incarnation. “In Jesus, God entered the world and took on” human life. God loved and cared enough accept the “limitations of humanity.”(10) This is a love that let the world slander Christ, brand Christ a heretic, pursue Christ, and judge, crucify, and bury Christ.(11)

Vernon McGee’s Bible commentaries are interesting. He relates interesting illustrations. He tells a story about a small-town storekeeper. A family arrived and wanted to know what kind of a town it was. The wise storekeeper asked, “What kind of town did you come from?” The reply was that they came from an incredible town. People in their former town cared about each other. The storekeeper replied, “This is just the same kind of town.” The family decided that they just might make the town their new home. A little later, another visiting family arrived. They also wanted to know what kind of town it was. The storekeeper asked what their old town was like. The family indicated that the town was mean. The people did not care about anyone. The storekeeper replied, “This is just the same kind of town.” The second family decided to drive on.

A person who heard both stories asked what the storekeeper was doing, because he gave the two families very different responses. The storekeeper responded, “I've learned that any town will be the same kind of town that you left – because you will be the same kind of person.”(12)

When the Spirit of God is in control, we are a different people, a people filled with the Spirit of the risen Christ. Because we are different – Spirit filled, we notice that others are different too. When the Spirit is in control, love is present. The transforming love of the risen Christ is generally seen as a proof that we walk in the footsteps of Christ. John 13:35. “If you love each other, everyone will know that you are my disciples.”(13)

I am going to conclude with one more story. This is about how God changes people by the proof of the Spirit of God moving in people's lives who we do not think God moves in.

Grant is a United Methodist pastor. He has over 304 thousand followers on TikTok. He is a dynamic, loving figure on TikTok. He did not start as a progressive pastor. He was a conservative Evangelical. He admits that he was one of the kind of Christians who would leave comments on social media telling progressive Christians that they were going to hell. Something changed.

He relates that while he was still conservative, he was welcomed into the church and became friends with a person who helped change his life. This person, on his first Sunday at the church, came up to him, hugged him and said, “I am the resident lesbian,” and she welcomed him, telling Grant how glad she was that he was at their church. Grant was at the church to be the youth director. He got to know her, her former husband, and the children. The love they shared as a family caught his attention.  

He notes, “The first step to me changing my faith was seeing fruit in people that I previously thought were wrong.” He saw love in people he disagreed with and his theology started to change. He started to see complexity and nuance in the Bible. What I think was the key in his story of change is what he describes as “seeing the Spirit of God” in people he previously disagreed with and that made him realize that “God is love.”(14)

Notes

(1) Sherina Harris. "Reported Anti-Asian Hate Crimes up 878% in Vancouver: Police." 2020 October 30, 13 April 2021.<https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/anti-asian-hate-crimes-2020_ca_5f9c3403c5b61b5109e705a6>.

(2) "Facts and Figures: Discrimination and Hate Crimes Statistics." Government of Canada. 16 October 2020, 13 April 2021. <https://www.canada.ca/en/canadian-heritage/campaigns/federal-anti-racism-secretariat/facts-figures.html>.

(3) Oren Dorell. “Jerusalem has History of Many Conquests, Surrenders.” USA Today. 05 December 2017, 02 May 2021.

<https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2017/12/05/jerusalem-history-israel-capital/923651001/>.

(4) David Horton, ed. The Portable Seminary. 2nd ed. (Minneapolis, Minnesota: Bethany House, 2018), 239.

(5) Horton (2018), 240.

(6) Horton (2018), 241.

(7) Horton (2018), 242.

(8) William Barclay New Testament, Acts 10:34-35.

(9) William Barclay. The New Daily Study Bible: The Acts of the Apostles. Kindle ed. (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 2003), e-book.

(10) William Barclay. The New Daily Study Bible: The Letters of John and Jude. (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 2002), e-book.

(11) William Barclay. The New Daily Study Bible: The Letters of John and Jude. (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 2002), e-book.

(12) J. Vernon McGee. Thru the Bible with J. Vernon McGee. Kindle ed. (Pasadena, California: Thru the Bible Radio, 1998), e-book.

(13) Contemporary English Version.

(14) “Story Time: Deconstruction.” @pastor_g TikTok. 04 May 2021, 04 May 2021. <https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeqSR5KB/>

[riaflicke]

The saying went something like, monsters are created not born. And that was exactly how Ria Flicke felt about the demon - or demons, plural, depending on the day - inside of her. It wasn’t always dark, but it was fed enough that it grew and grew until she didn’t know what it felt like to not have the darkness inside of her.

Some of the creation was self-inflicted. It wasn’t like she knew how to walk away from a bad situation or how to let the light win out, no, she let the darkness win and that was her own fault. Over the past few months of alone time and wrestling with questions and curiosities, she managed to figure out how and where the darkness was cultivated, fed and nurtured by the people that were meant to protect her.

AUGUST 17th, 2010, FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT (14 years old)

Move in day for Faircrest Preparatory School. Day one of one million of learning to be a spy. Mariana thought that it would be a good idea for Leon to drive Ria to move in. After all, he worked at Faircrest, and she thought it’d be good for the younger Flicke to finally get to know her father. 

Needless to say, it did not get off to a good start. Ria knew two things: her mother was cryptic about her father and the only way to get adults to pay attention to her was to be annoying. And she had lots of questions for Leon which meant she would be extra annoying. 

“Don’t put your feet up there,” Leon turned over to his daughter, who had perched her feet on the all white car dash. “You’re going to get it dirty.” “What?” Ria didn’t dignify him with even a glance, she instead focused on picking a scab on her calf. “Maria-” “Ria.” “Maria,” Leon huffed, “Take your feet off the dash or we’re not leaving this driveway… What did you do to yourself anyway?” “Fell off my bike.” “Don’t you know how to ride a bike?” Picking at the scab until she got it to bleed again (because it definitely made her dad cringe), “Yes. I let go.” “Why?” “It made mom freak out.” She finally moved her feet from the dash, pleased with the furrowed brow her father now had. “And why in the world would you want to do that?” Leon asked in a deadpan tone, clearly frustrated with his daughter’s antics. “It proved mom cares. Somewhere. She got worried.”

The frustration on Leon’s face morphed into one of pride, but in the blink of an eye it was back to neutral. “You’re already thinking like a spy. What has your mother taught you so far?” “Nothing, I’ve known for all of like, three months.” “Alright. Well, we have about six hours ahead of us-” “Joy.” “Don’t interrupt me, Maria. I can’t have my daughter not knowing anything about spyhood. You’re already starting Faircrest at a disadvantage.”

That spoke to the competitive side of Ria and all, but she thought that this ride would be a way to get to know the man she’d wondered about for years. “You’re going to spend six hours talking to me about spy stuff and not like… anything about me?” “I didn’t say that. Anyways, I’ll see you all year on campus, we have plenty of time to get to know each other.” “Ooookay. Weird, but, fine, talk to me about your spy life or whatever…” Her voice trailed off into silence.

Leon glanced over at her, “What were you about to say?” Chewing on her bottom lip, Ria was silent for a little longer before speaking up. “I wanted to ask you a question.” “Fine, ask it then.” “Do you love me?” The words sounded sharp to hide the fear inside. “I don’t know.” Sitting up straighter, the blonde’s face dropped, “How do you not know? I’m your daughter.” “We just met.” “So?” “So,  I need time to decide.” “Do you think you ever will?” “We’ll see.” And he wouldn’t. ‘I love you’ were three words he’d never say. “Fine… Tell me about this spy shit.” “Language.”

JUNE 8th, 2010, FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT (17 years old) Whether she wanted to listen to her father or not (spoiler: she didn’t!), Ria wanted to be top of her class. Success was something she could control. Success gave her purpose. Success made it all worth it. So as much as she hated Leon Calder with everything in her being, she kept note of all of his rules and the subsequent tests and trials in a tiny leather bound notebook. It was a pale pink, embossed with “Maria” on the cover - which she had since scratched up with pens and keys until it only read Ria.

With graduation on the corner - and a four year break from spyhood (her parents hated that one) on the horizon - she flicked through the pages, a walk down a very bumpy memory lane.

Rule 1: Control the conversation What’s it mean: - Have conviction in what you say - Stand by your words, even if they’re questionable - Don’t get stuck in webs of lies - Take pride in attention - good or bad - throws people off their game when you embrace an insult

Rule 2: Head not heart What’s it mean: - Don’t lead with emotions ever - Look at things logically bc that’s trustworthy, emotions are fickle - Tears are weakness - avoid at all costs!!!

8/30/10 - first week @ faircrest, dad got me a xanax prescription. told me it’s better to feel nothing than something. haven’t tried it yet 2/1/12 - (middle of soph. year.) - i think i’m addicted  4/29/14 - i’m graduating in 2 months. Idk how to feel bc i don’t think i’ve felt anything in four years. 8/2/14 - i don’t trust my own head

Rule 3: Don’t have a blindspot What’s it mean: - Falling in love means youre caught up in another person - Getting caught up in another person is a weak point - A lover will betray you or will be used against you - Lust =/= love, lust is ok.

11/1/13 - i don’t think ive cared about a single person ive slept with. like at all.

Rule 4: Know what you’re walking into What’s it mean: - Awareness is key - Evaluate every situation in full - ALWAYS keep your guard up or you’ll get backstabbed

12/21/10 - was @ home for christmas, dad snuck up behind me and threw a knife. i ducked in time. said i need to get better at awareness. Wtf.

After twenty or so blank pages, one page of the notebook had a few words written on it in all capitals. They were written more cleanly than the notes and scribbles of yesteryear, clearly written by an older Ria with stronger penmanship.

I THINK IM A MONSTER.

SEPTEMBER THROUGH NOVEMBER, 2020, ROSEVILLE, VA (24 years old)

The fires the year prior had been the first time that Ria remembered crying in over ten years. Something cracked inside of her as the buildings and all she’d used to ground herself started to fall and crackle apart. It was what pushed her to look inside of her. To know why she held so tightly onto the lessons and learnings from two people that couldn’t care less about her. It was what sent her to therapy. 

There were no diagnoses to be found, apart from a self-inflicted dependence on unhealthy relationships and her vices. She lacked the remorse and violence to be a psychopath, and she didn’t have the swings of anger that hallmarked aggression disorders. What was there instead was a shell, a guard that presented itself as sociopathy - but she knew what she was doing, she had remorse, that was where the questions began. How could you display every trait in the book but be ‘normal’ inside? 

The revelation of Blackthorne as a school for assassins had opened up even more of a can of worms, but she ignored it until the start of her third year, as she continued to try and understand what was going on inside of her head. Leon had gone to Blackthorne, yet the alumni didn’t seem to recognize his name. Something was up.

With the help of one of her Faircrest friends, Tobi, she was able to find more on her father. More on his employment records and his history. He’d begun going by his middle name after graduating Blackthorne, Leon Calder instead of Malcolm Calder. Hardly a criminal offense. He had a cross listing with the MI5 (expected, she knew her parents met in London) and a private agency ‘Atkinson Associates’. Further digging revealed it as a hitman agency, one that her father was still actively employed with. 

Once she had that, and access to the files of the company, she went to dig on her own - not wanting to pull anyone else deeper into the mess. The employee roster and files were what she really wanted. Clicking on her father’s, she read through the notes, feeling a gross pit building in her stomach as she learned more. Kill count: 117. Use for: High profile, quickturn jobs. Works both individually and with partners.

Noting that the word partners was linked, Ria clicked on it, skimming quickly over unknown names until she settled on the name of a former partner. One she knew too well. Mariana Alice Flicke.

“No…. no no no…” But she couldn’t stop, she had to know more about her mother. Kill count: 2. Use for: Track erasure and evidence destruction. 

She didn’t know if it made her feel better or worse that her mother was typically non-violent… Even if she condoned the violence. Blue eyes kept scanning the profile of her mom. Employment Terminated: September 30, 1995 Reason: Pregnancy.

“No wonder he hates me so fucking much.” She took Mariana out of the field, she took his partner away… But that wasn’t her fault! Hovering over the word pregnancy, Ria’s brow furrowed. Another link. There was no reason that needed to be linked. Everyone knew how pregnancy worked!

After a long stare off with the link, she finally clicked on it. The curiosity eating away at her. It pulled up what looked like an incomplete profile, one with nothing but the key statistics. And she didn’t even need to read them, they were ones she knew by heart. Name: Maria Grace Flicke Date of Birth: June 6, 1996 Start Date: To Be Determined.

She wanted to stop scrolling, but her hand kept moving, the answers were finally there. Whether she liked them or not. 

Current Status: 

Atkinson Associates Case study 001.:  Nature versus Nurture

- Developing the mindset of an assassin from day one - Utilizing upbringing to control later characteristics, thought processes, and disposition

None of her mania was an accident. It was all part of a bigger plan that she never wanted to be a part of. Each demon was planted inside of her by the people that were supposed to love her most.

And the only way she could deal with this was to let out an ear-piercing wail.

[aspiestvmusings]

WandaVision Thoughts: Ep 8

Warning: Contains SPOILERS up to the end credits scene of ep 1x08. And “speculation” about the Finale.

1. I was wrong about several things in my theories. But I was pretty close with some other things.

2. I still presume the  timestone blast in “inifity war” might have made her even more powerful/unlocked more of her powers, but her backstory revealed that she “absorbed” the energy from the stone during her first contact with it....already, also .She is literally a living infinity stone...in a way. She absorbed the “energy” of the stone & is connected with the stone...as we’ve seen throughout the MCU history. And she’s kinda “absorbed it twice”? (so, in a way, she has been carrying VIsion’s soul inside her for a while... so makes sense she would “create” him, because they are literally of the same mind(stone))

3. All. The. Colours. ... Differen t colours of their powers/magic... coming from all these characters: Blue. Purple. Yellow. Red... The colours of the infinity stones. The colours of “characters powers”.... All the colours of the rainbow/spectrum. I completely see the last shot of the show being a rainbow above WestView (cause the colours of everyones powers are the colours of the rainbow...)

4. My theories were wrong, because I  based them on the hypothesis that she cannot create things from nothing...that she can just change their “dna” & shape. If I had presumed that she can create things from nothing, I might’ve been more accurate about...Vision...and more. She seems to have created vibranium, an infinity stone, and a soul... “out of nothing”... when she/her grief created a vision... UNLESS... that was an incorrect guess by Agatha, and Hex Vision is more like his episode 2 stage name suggested... an Illusion. Though I have a hard time believing/understanding it, I’ve tried to accept that in comics & fiction things that don’t follow laws of physics can be & are true. And she did create Vision from “nothing”..even if in real world that is impossible...

5. In the past few days before ep 8 I had started to believe the theories about “double vision”. And unless there is also a cameo coming with an appearance of some other actor, Paul Bettany’s comment about doing a scene with an actor who he had always wanted to work with was... the best joke ever... cause he was most likely referring to himself. And the way it is similar to the “Luke Skywalker” Mandalorian camero is not because of the actor, but because of the CGI used. I love that this is most likely the answer here. [and in that case I kinda think that the “fireworks” could be a scene similar to when Tony asked Jarvis to activate the Clean Slate Protocol in IM3, cause we are dealing with more than  one “copy” of the same “tech” here... & they can be blown up like that...]

6. We also got a much more clearer look on Hayward’s evil plans. And I'm now seriously starting to suspect the theories that connect WV to AoU...in a meaningful way. I’m not gonna say it, but I think you get my point. We’ve all known all along he’s up to no good. Even if he is “just” another “government baddie” and not Ultron’s puppet/puppeting Ultron. And I'm still unsure if he is aware that he’s essentially waking up Ultron or will that be a surprise to him...

7. Paul Bettany’s journey in MCU is about to become full: he started as the VOICE of JARVIS (AI/machine) that Tony built/created. He then appeared in physical form (body and voice) as The Vision since AoU. And now it seems possible that we’ll see him play Vision, while someone else provides the VOICE over for the character. But we also know, “thanks” to Spiderman 2 (released last year, but taking place several months after WV events in the MCU) that the Vision we have known & loved does not survive this hex reality. I wish there’ll be a surprise twist, but I sadly doubt it. 

Before the show started to air, I had no doubt the character was done... I was 99% sure there is no way he could come back & WV is just a dream or something like that. But as the show has progressed, Ive started to think there are ways it could happen. None of them really fit with the shows theme & point. Just like Tony had to die for the sacrifice to be as impactful Vision has to die/remain dead for Wanda’s grief journey to come to a conclusion. She has to reach the final stage(s) of grief, accept the loss & move on. Though... we can arue that Vision could live & she finally deals with the greif for her parents & brother. And/Or Vision “lives”, but it’s not her Vision...she can’t feel him. So he starts his journey from the start...to learn to be “human”, etc. 

I mean.. I wish we would get the merging of the two (sides) of Vision - the soulless body of whitevision + the “created by Wanda” Vision with soul (even if with no memories of pre-hex). But based on Spiderman 2: FFH “in memoriam” clip Vision is one of the fallen avengers next to Tony & Nat. But then again, Steve/Cap was also in that clip, so perhaps there is still hope... that Wanda/the hex will merge the two & this is how we/Wanda gets her Vision back. And it’s just kept under wraps. And if it’s not Ultron, then the greatest twist would be if RDJ would provide the new Vision’s voice (until he “gets his soul back”). I mean.. Paul Bettany provided the voice for Tony’s AI/suits, so that’d be a huge thing

8. I hope everyone understood that the town was a mess because it’s literally a few weeks after the Blip. 5 years ago Thanos snapped half of life away, and this is the outcome of it...the small town was probably full of life before that, and now its just “in ruins”. When Vision (and Wanda) bought that property/land it/the town did not look so sad. This is all the result of the snap. And this is why, I think, the word “snap” appears several times on the show (cereal box, add on wall)

9. The origins story from the experimentation with the mind stone scene had the same kind of “rewind” stuff as Wanda’s sitcom episodes. The watchers (blinded by the blast) seem to miss a part of the show. And now Darcy & Jimmy & team seem to miss parts of the show. We are shown that this is kind of due to Wanda “rewinding time”. So...she posesses the “power” of several infinity stones, kinda, it seems.

10. I’m starting to think that perhaps one theory that was flooting around is correct. The “Wanda arrives to Westview” scene where she sees several of the residents could imply so. We only see one part of each couple. And within each couple the one who “glitches” (Mr. Hart choking in ep 1, Vision malfunctioning cause of gum in ep 2, etc..) is not seen, only their other half. So is the town “in ruins” not just because of the blip? Maybe it was populated by people who lost their loved ones in the Snap & all moved to this town after that? And hence weren’t at the place their other half was returned to now, 5 years later? Or...the other halves are all dead, and hence everyone looked sad & alone? Maybe it was more thaan just the chaos creted by the snap & blip? 

11. Where were Vision (who was flying back to the house) & Monica + Fietro? during this episode? Well..all of ep 8 happens in just a few moments... simultaneously to what was happening with Vision(/Darcy and Fietro/Monica in the end of ep 7, so...they will arrive..soon.

12. I do not know how it could happen or work (considering what we already know to be true), but since they pointed out in episode 1 that “The death rate of single men is twice that of married men" & Hex Vision is married, while White Vision is not (also...will he remain himself when entering the hex or will he chanage form to fit the year/era that episode 9 is set in...which, I’d say might be a decade before rel time 2023, because the boys are 10... cause this version is essentialy a machine, so if it doesn’t match the era, then the hex changes it), then that would lead me to speculate that Hex Vision defeats White vision.  So now the question remaims if the vibranium/empty shell will remain or will it be vaporized... cause if the materils cotinue existing they can still re-built/re-create Vision in future. Cause unless both die, and unless some otehr surprise (going through the hex changes Hex Vision and/or he has competed his journey & become a separate indivudual, a real  being, then there’s no way he can survive outside/without the hex. But that quote tells us which Vision wins the fight 

xxx

[poorrichardslegacy]

Kacxa Week 2020 Day 7 - Return to Braylar IV

SUMMARY: Keith and Acxa return to Braylar IV with their teenage daughters. It is the first time either of them has been back to the planet since their first visit as enemies 23 decaphoebs earlier.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26923546

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender Rating: Teen and Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Acxa/Keith (Voltron) Characters: Acxa (Voltron), Keith (Voltron), Keith's Wolf (Voltron), Original Galran Character(s), Original Characters Additional Tags: Kacxa Week 2020, Family Secrets, Family Bonding, Family Fluff, Pack Family, Wolf Pack, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon

---------------

Acxa looks around the clearing as Keith lands their ship on the surface of Braylar IV.

“Well, that was certainly a much smoother landing than the last time I was here.”

“Mom, any landing would be smoother than the one you made the last time you were here. You crash landed, remember?”

“Actually Cataleya, I try to forget that part of that trip.”

---------------

Disembarking from the ship, Keith sees four Cosmic Dire Wolves approaching. He and Acxa grin from ear to ear when they recognize the lead Wolf.

“Cosmo!”

The three rush forward to great one another. Standing over 8 feet tall at the shoulders, Cosmo bends down and allows Keith and Acxa to scratch him behind his ears.

“Oh, buddy. It’s so good to see you again! How have you been?”

“I am well, Keith. I assume all is well with you and Acxa? And the pups? Cataleya and Mireya? They are well?”

Acxa laughs. “The pups are fine, Cosmo. In fact, they’ve grown up since you last saw them.” She turns, looks behind her, and summons her daughters forward. “Girls, you remember, Cosmo? You were six the last time you saw him.”

“Mom, of course we remember Cosmo!” They rush forward to greet their former companion, who is just as happy to see them.

Keith sees a she-wolf with two pups standing behind Cosmo. He taps Cosmo on his shoulder. “Are you going to introduce us?”

“Of course. Keith, Acxa, Mireya, Catleya…this is my mate Corima, and our pups Tiguan and Merina.”

The Koganes bow in unison at the waist as they greet Cosmo’s family. “Corima, Tiguan, Merina…it is an honor to meet you.”

Corima and her pups bow in return. “The honor is ours, Black Paladin.”

“Black Paladin. That’s a title I haven’t been called in a long time.” Keith pauses and looks wistfully at Acxa. “A long time.” He turns back to Cosmo. “So, it’s been awhile since we’ve been here old friend. How is the pack?”

“The Sonai are well. About two decaphoebs ago, Father was severely injured fighting the Hyenas. They attacked a neighboring clan that was friendly to the Sonai, and he and I went to help them. Corima was a member of that clan. She helped me nurse him back to health and…well, here we are. I became alpha male of the Sonai when father and I returned.”

“Mother and Father are very eager to see you again. Shall we go to the compound?”

---------------

They enter the compound where the entire Sonai clan has gathered to meet them. As is their custom, the wolves bow out of respect for their visitors. Keith and his family return the courtesy, bowing in greeting as well.

Stepping forward out of the crowd with a noticeable limp is Soran. He is followed closely by Ashira, who keeps a watchful eye on her mate. Ashira looks well, but for Soran it is a different story. The decaphoebs have not been kind to the old Dire Wolf. Besides the limp, Soran is considerably grayer than he used to be.

Happy for the opportunity to see his friends again, Keith steps forward to greet them.

“Soran. Ashira. It is so good to see you again!”

“It is good to see you as well, old friend. I knew this day would come. I have been looking forward to seeing you again for a long time.”

“I’ve brought my family with me. I’d like to introduce them if I may.”

Soran looks past Keith and spies Acxa. He moves close to Keith and whispers to him. “So, you finally wised up and claimed her?”

Keith whispers back. “It’s more like she claimed me, but I’m not complaining.”

“It’s just as well, since you weren’t about to do it.”

Keith assumes an air of mock indignation. “And everyone asks me where Cosmo learned to be so snarky…like father like son.”

“Hey, I taught my son everything I know.”

---------------

Acxa shyly says hello to Soran, apologizing for her state the last time she was here. She gives Ashira a warm greeting as well, since Ashira and her sister saved Acxa’s life following her crash landing on Braylar IV.1

Ashira notices the girls. “Tell me Acxa, are these your pups?”

“Yes, they are. Girls, come here and say hello to Cosmo’s mother.” Acxa introduces the girls, who both render the respectful greeting Keith hammered home to them on the way here.

Soran turns to Keith. “So, she claimed you and you got busy. Well done!”

---------------

Keith sets up camp for his family in the cave that he and Acxa used for shelter 23 decaphoebs earlier. They are joined for dinner by Soran, Ashira, Cosmo, and his family. That night, around a campfire in the cave, Soran asks Keith’s daughters if their father told them of their parent’s first visit to Braylar IV.

“Do you know all that transpired in this very cave, young pups?”

“No sir, they mentioned they were here, but they never went into details.”

“Would you like to hear about it? How that rascal of a father of yours saved your mother’s life?”

“YES, PLEASE SIR!”

Acxa shoots Keith a panicked look. There is a part of this story she prefers not be told. Keith nods to his wife, then turns to Soran. “I don’t think that’s necessary. We don’t want to put you out.”

“Nonsense! These pups need to know about their parents before they were mated! It will help them understand who they sprung forth from.”

Soran turns to Acxa, a glint in his eye. “You’re not ashamed of anything I may tell them, are you?”

Acxa gives Soran a deadpan look straight in the eye. “Would it make a difference if I said yes?”

“Nope. I’m going to tell them anyway.”

Acxa sighs and looks to Keith. “That’s what I thought he would say.”

Soran proceeds to give the girls the full unabridged version of Keith and Acxa’s earlier visit to Braylar IV.2 3

Embellished and entirely from his perspective.

---------------

As Soran finishes his exaggerated story of Keith and Acxa’s first visit to Braylar IV, Mireya and Cataleya look at each other then turn to their mother with smirks on their faces.

“Mom…I gotta ask this…how in the name of all that is holy did you and Dad ever get together?”

“What do you mean, Cataleya?”

“Ok. This is what Soran just told us. You and Dad are enemies. You’re trying to kill each other. You fight Dad two planets from here, he cripples your fighter and breaks your arm, then he just flies away and leaves you. You crash land on this planet, you have to fight poisonous Hyenas, one of which poisons you, and you nearly die. All because Dad put you in this position. Not exactly good boyfriend behavior if you know what I mean.”

Keith, hurt by his daughter’s words, speaks up for himself. “In my defense, your mother jumped me at Braylar VI. I was just defending myself.”

Speaking of jumping on Keith, now it is Mireya’s turn to poke some good-natured fun at her father. “So, Dad, let me make sure I understand things from your point of view. You do all that to Mom, then you feel all guilty and decide to check on her. You got Mom naked while she was delirious with fever, yet you were a perfect gentleman and didn’t touch her…well…except for taking her bodysuit off…, you got your butt kicked by Narti and had to get the Sonai to help you beat her, and then you let Mom leave without saying goodbye? Wow, that doesn’t exactly sound like a romantic date to me. It sounds more like a date from hell. Mom, tell us again why you picked him?”

Seeing the hurt behind Keith’s eyes, Acxa reaches out, takes his hand, and whispers to him. “I’ve got this.” She pulls a recording device out of her pocket and turns to her girls. “You want to know why I picked your father as my life partner? This is why.”

Keith goes wide-eyed upon seeing the device. “You still have that thing?”

“Of course, I do, love. And it still plays like it did the day I found it.”

“Mom, what is it?”

“This? Oh, your father slipped this this little gem into my bag before he and Narti loaded me into the shuttle to return to Lotor’s cruiser. I think it’s worth listening to. You girls put an interesting forensic slant on what happened here, but there’s more to the story than what you just heard. You’re missing the nuances and you don’t really know what happened from your father’s perspective. This recording will put Soran’s story in a whole new light. It opened my eyes when I first heard it, so many decaphoebs ago.”

As the girls gather around their mother, Acxa starts the playback on the recording Keith made so many years ago.

“Hey, Acxa, it’s me, Keith. The Black Paladin. The guy you probably want to tear up into a million small pieces right about now. Yeah. But before you do that, let me explain a few things.”

“Wow, Dad, you look so young there. And hunky. I see why Mom fell for you…”

“Wait…Hunky? What does that…”

“SHHH! Dad! We want to hear this!”

“You might or might not remember the first fight against the Hyenas. I came down to help you because…I needed to...it was the right thing to do. One of them got close to you and slashed your right leg. You were injured pretty badly, lost a lot of blood.”

Pausing the recording, Acxa tells the girls about the onset of the symptoms of the Hyena poisoning. The big needle Keith used to inject the medicine that slowed the poison. How he asked for permission to remove her armor to treat her leg. And, how he treated Ashira, who was also poisoned by the Hyenas.4

She hits the play button again.

“I was also the one who called for Narti to come get you. I’d gone to your fighter to figure out your communication protocols, and I happened to see her on radar. I called, she came down, and the rest, as they say, is history.”

“I wanted to tell you all of this to your face, but…you were pretty loopy. You had no idea where you were or who you were talking to you. I don’t kill helpless enemies. But I know, technically, we are enemies. The next time we meet, if you come after me again like you did the last time, I will use deadly force if necessary, to defend myself.”

“I’d prefer not to do that. I had no desire to fight you at Braylar VI, because of our shared experience in the Weblum. I have no desire to fight you now. Not after what we just went through together.”

Mireya reaches in and hits the pause button on the playback device. “Wait…you two met on a Weblum?”

“No dear. Inside a Weblum.”

“WHAT?”

“The second stomach if you want to be precise. That’s another story.”

“Yeah, one that you two are going to tell us on the way back to Diabazaal! Then we want to hear the Androse Campfire story!”

Acxa prepares to restart the tape. “Pay attention girls, this is the important part.”

“I apologize for saying you lack honor. Narti told me about you. I believe what she said is true, and I was wrong to say what I said to you.”

“I also apologize for the pilot taunt. Turns out you’re just as good a pilot as I am. If not better. The skill it took to fly that fighter to Braylar IV with a broken arm and walk away from a crash landing is amazing.”

“Finally, I apologize for removing your body suit without your permission. I know you’ll figure it out sooner or later, so it’s best I admit it now. I mean nothing happened…it’s not like I haven’t seen…well…ok it was the first time I’ve seen…but it was purely clinical. Yeah, that’s it. I mean you were sweating…perspiring…uh…your body suit was saturated. You would have gotten a lot sicker if I left you in it. I did it for your own good. I hope you believe that. Please don’t kill me for it.”

“Wow, Dad…you were quite the smooth talker there…”

“Aww, he was really embarrassed Mireya…I think it’s cute…he tried.”

Acxa smiles and blushes at the memory, and at the sight of a clearly embarrassed and flustered Keith on the video. “Yes he did.”

“In another place and another time, I like to think we could be friends. We seem to have a lot in common. Also, if you ever have a change of heart and want to join the Coalition, you can do so any time. I would welcome you as a comrade in arms. And…as a friend. I hope someday we have a chance to talk when we aren’t pointing weapons at each other. In a selfish way it would be good to talk to you about what it means to be a half Galra.”

“Good luck and be safe, Acxa.”

Acxa carefully stows the recording device and faces her daughters.

“So, you see…your father did say goodbye. All kidding aside girls, after hearing that tape I began to realize that I had feelings for the man who would someday become your father.”

She takes Keith’s hand and looks him in the eye. “He told me decaphoebs later, the first time he said he loved me, that the message on this device was his way of telling me he was interested in me.”

She turns back to her daughters. “But he didn’t have to tell me that. I knew, just by listening to this recording. It only took us just over four decaphoebs to finally get together after we were here. Too long, in my opinion. But…we did it.”

“Thanks for sharing that recording, Mom. And for telling us how you fell for Dad.”

Mireya sheepishly turns to her father. “Dad…I’m sorry for needling you about what you did when you and Mom were here the first time. What you did was sweet. I see why Mom fell in love with you.”

Soran can’t resist on final parting shot at Keith.

“Good, then perhaps you can enlighten me. Because I still don’t see it.”

Keith turns to Ashira, a deadpan look on his face. “Ashira, would you smack him for me?”

Ashira give Soran a sharp whack across the top of his head with her paw.

“Ow!” The surprised wolf turns to Keith. “Why did you ask her to do that?”

Keith laughs. “That my old friend was a love tap to say how much I missed you and your snark. You’re just too tall for me to reach your head myself.”

“Well, if that was supposed to be a love tap, any chance you could let Ashira know the next time you decide to do that? She just about killed me!”

Ashira gives Soran a stern look. “Don’t be so dramatic, you old coot. If I wanted to hurt you, trust me you’d know.”

As the group shares a good-natured laugh, the Kogane girls turn to one another.

“You know, Mireya, this is turning out to be a pretty cool trip after all.”

  1 Return of the Prince, Chapter 11, Cry of the Wolf

2 Return of the Prince, Chapter 11 Cry of the Wolf

3 Return of the Prince, Chapter 12 Riders on the Storm

4 Return of the Prince, Chapter 11, Cry of the Wolf

[kinetic-elaboration]

December 29: The Wrath of Khan

Today’s movie watching was Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

My overall impression versus TMP is that this is clearly a smoother and more consistently entertaining film. It has a definite story with very little filler, good pacing, a lot of great little dialogue and character moments, and a strong conflict at its center.

But its sci fi bona fides are much weaker. Like by a lot.

Mom and I are talking a bit about Genesis and the more we talk, the weaker it appears to me. First, it’s not really as believable, imo, as a lot of Star Trek. Maybe it’s because it’s not alien based, but I just have a harder time suspending disbelief to think this is possible. Second, it’s not clear why anyone thought this was a good idea. I mean, as McCoy immediately pointed out, it just seems so CLEARLY dangerous: an object meant to foster creation that could so easily be the worst weapon the universe has ever known--nothing could go awry there! Third, the reason for creating such a device isn’t obvious at all. Carol mentions the “growing population” and “food scarcity” but nothing we’ve ever seen of the Federation implies they’re running out of space. Or, frankly (Tarsus IV aside), food. And fourth, there really isn’t any point to Genesis in all its particulars in this film. Like, obviously, its actual purpose is a plot device to resurrect Spock. Within just this film, it doesn’t do anything. Khan wants it, for some reason I’ve already forgotten even though I just saw the film, and he gets it, but I didn’t even notice that happening, because it was so unimportant. His REAL mission is his single minded revenge fantasy on Kirk. Genesis is just a McGuffin/space filler/plot device for the next film.

And honestly that’s not such a big deal, except that when you compare it to TMP, ,and its central idea of a human made probe that gained so much knowledge, doing what we taught it to do, that it became sentient and then started searching for the meaning of life, and how this relates to the search for meaning experienced by the main alien lead, and how his search, in that film and throughout the series, is a mirror for humans and OUR need for purpose... well it just seems really weak. “We made this really dangerous and unrealistic thing for no reason whoops!”

Mom is now criticizing Kirk for being too slow on the uptake when he first encounters the Reliant, which is fair. That’s pretty OOC of him. The idea that he’s too old for space is both one that I must personally disregard, and one that the film would have you discard, since we’ve already heard from TWO characters, the people who know him best, that his best destiny is as a starship captain, and command is his proper role. And that he might be a little rusty is also not a great explanation imo, because the rust was supposed to have come off in TMP. So, plot hole probably.

We were trying to do some math--TMP is at least 2 years post 5YM and TWOK is at least 10 years post TMP, so at least 8 years post TMP. I can understand more rust growing but like... he was already an Admiral in TMP and the idea that he was out of practice with actual command was a big part of his arc there. So it doesn’t seem warranted to do that again.

Also, the way he was commanding poorly in TMP was very IC: he was pushing too hard, trying too much, caring too much about the mission and not enough about...the laws of physics. That’s very Kirk. Being slow on the uptake, caught with his britches down--that’s not Kirk. Plus, with no one to call him out on it, like Decker did in TMP, his poor command doesn’t seem like a big character obstacle to overcome but just like...sloppiness all around.

I thought Khan was over all... just not that interesting. I guess I’m just not into the obsession/revenge plot. Also...idk man he didn’t seem that super to me. He outsmarted Kirk, like, once, and Kirk outsmarted him like 4 times. He tortured some people--but regular humans can do that. He used those sandworm thingies, which is also something humans could do. Overall, he didn’t seem to have any particularly special skills. The only time he really seemed like a worthy adversary for Kirk was when Kirk wasn’t really being IC himself.

I’m also not into the fridging of his wife. Think how much cooler it would have been if she’d still been alive! The only non-super human in the bunch and she’s still there! Ex-Starfleet and bitter!

The K/S in this film is very soothing. Imo they are clearly together here, and the whole film is better if you assume they’re boyfriends and everyone knows. That Vulcan convo that Spock and Saavik have? Waaaaay funnier if you think she’s talking about his boyfriend (”not what I expected....very human” “Well no one’s perfect”). Every time they call each other ‘friend’ like ““friend”“? All the Looks? The birthday gift?

Also the “I have been and always shall be your [friend]” scene is a wedding I will not be taking criticism on this opinion. Could it have been written more like a vow? I think not. It’s not quite This Simple Feeling but it’s the best this film has in that regard.

I liked Saavik and I do think she’s one of the better later-movie additions (though I only like her, as far as I can remember, when played by Kirstie Alley). She didn’t necessarily strike me as super alien, though, at least not at first... But I appreciated how persistent she was about the stupid test, and her regulation quoting. I enjoyed her. I also liked how she was obviously Spock’s protege, which makes her Kirk’s step-protege, and they had just a little bit of that awkward dynamic going on. (”Did you change your hair?”)

The Bones and Kirk relationship was great in this film. You can really feel their friendship and their history with each other. Bones knows him so well and can be honest with him, just when Kirk needs it most.

I also love how Kirk has the SAME conversation with both Bones and Spock (re: being a captain again) but with Spock it’s sooooo much flirtier. In case you weren’t sure what the difference in these two relationships is.

Bonus: this bit of dialogue: Spock: “Be careful, Jim.” / Bones: “WE will.” Lol Spock people who aren’t your boyfriend do exist.

Obviously, I cried during THAT scene. Honestly AOS should have taken note about how to do emotional scenes like that: they come after the main action is over and the villain is defeated. Then they hit at the right time and to the right degree. Kirk just slumping down after Spock dies....like he’s boneless...like he doesn’t know what to do... I CANNOT.

I feel so bad for him that I’ll even forgive him that awful eulogy. Spock died for Genesis? Uh, no, he died for the Enterprise, and for YOU. Spock is the “most human”? You shut your whoreson mouth

I remember hating both Carol and David but I actually hated them less this time, Carol especially. My mom is being really harsh about her, though, which makes me feel less confident in my assessment. I mean first off, she’s the inventor of Genesis, which is a pretty big strike against her. Second...pretty lame to keep Kirk from David. Although I did some vague math and Kirk would only have been about 21, still in the Academy, when David was born, so you can see how that would work out. Also, she distinctly says “Were we together?” which means they were not--this was a fuck buddy arrangement for sure. More complicated. But it still feels weird to retcon that, like, he’s known THIS WHOLE TIME that he’s a dad and we’re only learning about it now, as an audience.

Anyway I’m getting off track. Carol. What to make of her? Is she unstable? Is she still mad at Kirk? My mom points out that she just decided on her own that David would want to join Starfleet if he knew Kirk was his father--whereas what seems to have happened instead is he didn’t just become a civilian scientist like his mom but became her specific protege--working on a project where everyone was probably handpicked by her? I would assume? Also..he hates Starfleet. Not to put everything on the mom, but how did that happen?

Also...going down the rabbit hole of this and feeling awkward about it... but David KNEW Kirk. As “that guy you hung around with.” That means Kirk was in his life for quite a while, long enough for him to have memories, and long enough for those memories to still be with him even into his 20s. But he was never allowed to know who Kirk was. That means Carol’s rule must have been “You can see your son but you can’t tell him who you are” which in some way seems meaner to me than just “please don’t contact us again.” If he was already on his way into space, that could even make sense--”I know you’re not going to be able to be a family with us, so let’s not pretend, let’s make a clean break now.” But that wasn’t what happened!

Anyway whatever not to be HAICG!Kirk about this or anything lol

David is mostly annoying because he’s so anti-Kirk lol. I found him least annoying when he came around to Kirk at the end. Another big strike against him: he wore his sweater tied over his shoulders in such a Preppy manner. I honestly don’t see what about him is supposed to be reminiscent of Kirk.

David/Saavik was definitely happening lol. I wish I could have heard that conversation. It sounds like she told him a lot!!! Not sure why she attached herself to this particular annoying human so fast but I guess she did.

....I think that might be all. The uniforms and general styling were much better than TMP (though less funny/entertaining), and it was certainly an enjoyable overall yarn. A lot to pick apart and critique but in a fun way. Will probably watch The Search for Spock soon.

[cockbiteproductions]

multiples of 8, except in the misc section. all even numbers for the misc section

200: My crush’s name is: well well well this question again. you’re not getting anything out of me!!! they fucking use this website!!!

192: I am allergic to: nothing. but i found out like yesterday not everyone gets dermatographia and im kinda annoyed. what do you mean your skin doesnt get red and puffy the moment you touch it......

184: Xbox or ps3: xbox solely because of ah

176: Last YouTube video watched: my watch history says this, which is a scene from a show called billions. this scene in particular is about my favorite character asking about their introduction scene with their former mentor figure that they quickly outranked and asking why they were picked for the internship that lead them down this [entire shitpath].

168: Luck: [long sigh]. [puts on clown makeup].

[obi wan voice] im my experience there’s no such thing as luck. 

[rian voice] luck? there’s probability plausibility and actuality. luck is superstition. luck is lazy math. [winston voice] that’s what i always say.

160: Soul mates: again souls arent real..... nor do i believe that people are “meant for each other” on any sort of cosmic/larger level. you are more compatible with people based on your upbringing and your interests and your values and those are adaptable over time though some people are so different that they will never get along and other people match/complement each other incredibly well.

152: Phone or Online: lmaoooo this questionnaire once again showing its age. throwback to when these things weren’t synonymous. online for sure. what am i gonna do with a phone? talk to someone with my fucking voice? i think not.

144: Oranges or Apples: to eat by themselves? probably apples since they are easier and less of a mess. and apples are more consistently better than oranges. oranges, it’s easy to get a batch that just sucks. juiced? probably orange. i love me some fuckin orange juice. but i like apple cider more than orange juice.

136: Hillary or Obama: lmaoooo again.. the age of this. 2008 or 2012. going to guess 2008. obama but not like. enthusiastically. while he was certainly better than [what we got going on now] he still bombed the hell outta some countries......

128: Manicure or Pedicure: ive never had either but i would probably be more comfortable with a manicure. people touching my feet would make me ticklish.

120: Gay Marriage: the only type that should be allowed. sorry straights youre no longer allowed to get married. /s obviously.

112: Facebook: oh BOY are you fucking ready. are you???? im starting the readmore NOW because this is going to be something. i doubt anyone except robots maybe will actually read my deranged pro-privacy anti-facebook/social media/surveillance rant but im angry every time i think about it and if i were a more important person than a rando on the internet with a keyboard im sure facebook would hire someone to kill me one day.

FUCK FACEBOOK. FUCK THAT SHITTY ASS WEBSITE THAT AT EVERY TURN HAS BEEN REVEALED TO HAVE HORRIFYING PRACTICES OF DATA COLLECTION.

but before that, they need to pay some goddamn fucking taxes. they are profiting off the data of billions of people and getting away with paying SO LITTLE back. 

you ever hear about deepface? no this is not the beginning of a prequel meme. deepface is facebook’s facial recognition technology and facial recognition is fucking terrifying. that shit is as good as humans at facial recognition at this point. does that not scare you? that a bunch of computers can figure out if this photo contains you or not? it’s one thing if humans recognize each other, but another thing when computers who can process data almost infinitely faster than humans can are able to do it. the scale and speed at which these fucking nightmares operates is hard for us to imagine and so we are all not scared enough of what they can do. this kind of technology is so deeply privacy violating it’s hard for me to stress it enough. every image of you ever uploaded on the internet could possibly be put through facial recognition tech. and with the fact that there are cameras literally everywhere at all times now at this point it’s so fucking possible that if desired, someone could find out where you are at all times. and that gets SO scary when used by governments. are you comfortable with your government knowing where YOU are at all times? yes? what about if tomorrow your government is overthrown by a group of radicals you completely disagree with? you still comfortable with that? facial recognition is kind of a fucking pandoras box that we are opening and now that we have the technology available to us, unless we actively take steps back from it, it WILL eventually/already is being used in malicious, intensely privacy invasive ways.

and everything in that above bullet point goes for ALL DATA COLLECTED ON YOU, EVER. everything you’ve ever said on facebook is probably put through some multi layered neural network fucking robot who is learning how to understand what humans say on your input and also cataloging things about you as a person. it is doing SO MUCH more than reading the exact text of what you are saying and then picking up on keywords. neural networks are an attempt to copy how humans think by making an artificial version of a brain basically. in simple terms it’s a map of points and connections and you feed it data for a while and tell it what the desired outcome should be. it will adjust those connections and the weight of those points based on your data and expected outcome. that change in connections and weights is how it learns. then after a while it has fed on enough data that it will begin to expect what your desired outcome is. now imagine millions and millions of connections and points. it’s fucking huge. you ever hear about how we don’t know how machine learning/deep learning/neural networks works? this is that. it’s because they are so large and they have changed their weights and points so much that we no longer understand how it makes its decisions. ml is on a deeper level starting to understand what you mean when you say words. like a human. and can pick up nuances humans cannot because of its perfect memory. do you understand how scary this is? do you? i really do not know how to express this better how absolutely buckshit wild and terrifying the idea that everything i say online can be scraped and put through a robot and a profile on me and who i am and my ideals can be gathered almost instantly. how hard would it be to write a scraper that goes to my blog and grabs the text of every post in my talk tag? and then there’s free and open source nlp software (or you can pay for it) and you can feed in everything ive said on this blog ever. you can go to my facebook. you can go to my twitter. you can find my profiles on every online platform ive ever used and take everything ive ever said and determine what kind of person i am based on that. and then you can then make further distinctions based on that data. (sidenote: facebook wouldnt have to scrape the data on my profile, it’s all in their databases already. they have everything ive ever posted on public or private, on my old profile i’ve deactivated, every photo ive posted or been tagged in, everything ive ever uploaded to their servers or have been associated with.) and someone or robot can make decisions about me based on that data. it could just be am i likely to buy [this product] or it could be something much more like am i a threat? am i dangerous to you, the person using this data about me? what are my politics? what are my views on [this topic]? are they too extreme? should i be denied [real life thing] based on what this machine has determined about me from my data online? not to sound fucking crazy, but you ever watch that episode of black mirror? nosedive? and its system where you can rate interactions with people? how this one girl was trying to increase her ranking so she would qualify for a cheaper price on housing? how we’re already starting to see things like this in real life with china’s social credit system?

call me a fucking wack job but i think it’s so deeply creepy that we have digitized so many aspects of our lives and leave machines we no longer understand how they make their decisions to analyze every bit of data about ourselves.

by the fucking way facebook tracks data on people WHO DO NOT USE FACEBOOK. FACEBOOK TRACKS DATA ON PEOPLE. WHO. DO. NOT. USE. FACEBOOK. are you scared? i am.

i’ve been thinking about this tweet from @/malwaretech on twitter from a few days ago. text: On a serious note, social media tracking is more extensive than you may think. For example: those Facebook 'like' buttons you see on every website? They call home. If you're logged into your FB account, it records that you visited that web page, even if you don't click 'like'. doesn’t that sound a lil fucked up to anyone else? that facebook knows that i visited that webpage even though i did not tell it? that it will use that data to build a better profile on what my interests are and that it will use that data to better sell ads to me? i’ll be honest i am unsure of if facebook sells that information to other vendors. i think that might be not allowed but i wouldn’t be surprised if that data somehow got into the hands of people who arent facebook.

the fact that for the longest time you could NOT get your data deleted from facebook? that even if you deactivated your account facebook would still keep all of that in their shit ass servers forever? as far as i know, that’s changed now, but i would not at all be surprised if the next day it was revealed that facebook was Actually Keeping all that info anyways

the fact that by default facebook’s privacy settings are set to allow anyone to see most info about you? just this whole opt out culture is so fucking wack. it should be opt in. your privacy settings should default on the MOST PRIVATE and it should be up to you to ACTIVELY SEARCH OUT how to change them to public. it is ON FACEBOOK to actively cultivate privacy but of fucking course they don’t.

lmao cambridge analytica politics russia brexit trump. i don’t have the energy to even open this fucking can of worms but i will say that again, another layer of deeply fucked up that political campaigns can use that data to try to coerce or influence elections.

do you remember when in 2019. yes twenty. fucking. nineteen. 2019. two thousand and nineteen. 2019. i dont know how more to stress how recent but late this is. 2019. facebook admitted that it and instagram were still. STILL. STILL. S T I L L. storing passwords as plaintext? meaning your password that is “password123ilovedogs” is stored AS “password123ilovedogs” in their database. it is STANDARD AND EXPECTED PRACTICE that websites store SECURE hashes of passwords (not like fucking. md5 or something) meaning you do a bunch of fucking “irreversible” math on the password and store that instead of the actual password itself. so the db would be storing “298!79v@w8W#R;3,f9jf” instead of your actual password. anyways face. fucking. book. was storing passwords as plain text. which means if they ever have a data breach on their passwords db then all that data inside will just be your actual goddamn password. your actual goddamn password. what the fuck? what the fuck? and we still use this website? we? me? i use this website daily? i use this website on a daily fucking basis and allow it to continue to collect information on me? im so goddamn angry.

the fact that now in this day and age you are considered weird for not having any social media? super fucked up. the fact that employers will check your social media and if you don’t have one that is somehow a red flag? weird as hell. why must we participate in the world’s largest data collection scandal ever just to be a member of society? i cannot choose to opt out. facebook collects data on me even if i do not have an account. society expects me to have some form of social media and if i do not then that i am the weird one for it. if you choose to live a life of trying not to be tracked it is almost impossible. can you live your life in modern society without an email address? without a smartphone or laptop? there is an expectation that every person is available to communicate with digitally and if you find the practice of data collection abhorrent and don’t want to use websites that do so, then you’re the weird one who has a LOT of society’s services unavailable to you.

im not going to even touch on the psychological effects that facebook and social media have on people other than to ONCE AGAIN, say they are very real and deeply fucked up.

by the way check out haveibeenpwned. enter your email and it’ll check against databases to see if your email has been on recent dumps. i have been. lately there have been a few older accounts of mine that have been breached and it’s terrifying.

fuck jesse eisenberg man he fucked over spiderman crazy

fuck faang. fuck big tech. fuck data collection. btw edward snowden is a hero. fuck all of this.

104: The future: man we’re in for it. i am not optimistic about it at all. too much tech progression / not enough foresight / expansion/globalization of the world / global warming / political and economic issues are all coming to a head to make the world a fucking disaster.

96: Changed a diaper: never done it! i am not around children often.

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: having a vague idea of where things are locally. im very bad with directions.

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: answered already.

84: People call me: yeesa, apparently. i have a fair amount of nicknames but i just call myself teresa.

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: sure haven’t though i deserve one

80: The first person i talked to today was: soph​ because she wakes up at a normal goddamn time so i’ll sometimes have a text from her from a few hrs ago

76: Right now I am talking to: milo and a discord server im in for a group of friends i made when i was applying to college. though i havent responded in quite a while since i went on my angry facebook rant.

74: I have/will get a job: well i HAD a job for the beginning of the summer when i was a TA but i do not any more as that was first summer semester only. hopefully in the fall i’ll have a job as a TA again but who knows. and then after that when i graduate i hope hope hope hope hope i will have a job lined up.

72: Today: woke up. made a plum smoothie. played minecraft. took a nap. here i am. it’s all very riveting.

70: Next Weekend: it’ll happen for sure. odds are i will be waking up and eating food and coming on the internet and chatting with friends and doing a bit of writing and trying to learn a bit more html.

68: The worst sound in the world: answered already.

66: People that make you happy: will roland lmao. 

64: My friends are: well it’s basically the same people i tagged in my last post on people who make me happy.

62: My School: you tryin to doxx me? it’s alright. not the best for my major. and also stupidly trying to reopen for the fall because theyre greedy and idiots. it was like my 5th choice school but it is what it is.....

60: I lose all respect for people who: already answered

58: Your hair color is: black as fuck. im east asian.

56: Favorite web site: controversial but archive of our own dot org i guess. i believe in their mission and like how they have advocated for fans and have created a fan-owned space on the internet. they’re not perfect but i overall support them.

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: answered already

52: My room is: a time capsule of what i liked in late middle school/early high school.

50: Where would you like to be: im fine where i am. maybe visiting friends though. i would like to Hang With Them and Do Fun Activities.

48: Ever been in love: who’s to say....... what is love? (baby don’t hurt me). but for real the concept of love is weird to me, especially romantic love. i don’t know. i’ve certainly obsessed over people. i’ve noticed i kind of “pick people” to have crushes on. i can’t really say why. but then it creates a feedback loop of i pay more attention to them -> i think more about them -> i like them more. so i’ve made conscious decisions that have lead to me obsessing over people.

46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl but that’s just because people in fandom spaces tend to be women and most of my friends ive made through fandom.

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: kaity is coming to my town but we cant see each other because of a pandemic so im kinda fucking miffed about that. i didn’t get to see maria before she left my state so i’m also miffed about that.

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: lmaooooo no. i would just like to be satisfied with my life. would like to see friends. do fun things with them. 

40: Last person I got mad at: idk im not generally a mad person. mark zuckerberg probably.

38: I wish I was a professional: as in i suddenly have all the skills and talent needed to be a professional? i think a director &|| writer tbh. i would love to have the Creative Vision necessary to come up with dope ideas AND translate what i have in mind into real life. i would love the ability to be able to tell compelling stories that mean a lot to people.

32: Athlete: lmao if it was 2008 or 2012 i would ahve said ryan lochte but nevermind. idk. maybe katie ledecky.

24: Movie: am not much one for movies...... star trek 2009.

16: Book: i don’t know how to read.

8: Yankee candle scent: idk about yankee candle specifically but i love the smell of apple. 

[mcrmadness]

Finally at my parents house I had all three: I was bored, remembered about my old art AND had motivation and time for start browsing my old art.

My mom has boxes full of our old art in her clothes closet and it’s like, full of stuff. I wonder where did I get my mild hoarding habits :DD So anyway, yesterday I just had this moment when I remembered about that box and made my way to the top of that closet (it’s very tiny and has small stairs and the boxes are at the back) and finally, again after years, I got to take a look at my old, old artwork :D

There’s everything from between the ages 7 and 13, I think. I have my “best” old arkwork here at home, I have put them in folders back when I still lived with my parents but that box is mostly drawings that I had no place to store so my mom brought in these boxes for each of us and we would then put all the old drawings there. There were lots of drawings I didn’t remember about anymore but also lots of drawings I did remember. I didn’t browse all of that yet - I’m gonna continue from that tomorrow - but I found lots and lots and lots of stuff that was me desperately trying to create something that would become comic book characters. I know for sure I created my first comic book characters when I was about 9 or 10 years old and I found papers ABOUT these characters and I thought I already had all that here. Since I have all of my “comic book history” saved. I have all the notebooks with those comics here, but didn’t realize I had so much more back at my parents’ house. (And there’s also lots and lots of dinosaur drawings. Most of them seems to have text at the back - I drew them for my dad with a little one-phrase story of what’s happening. It was usually always a dinosaur parent and their kid(s) wandering to somewhere to eat and drink. I might have grown up with the Land Before Time movies...)

Also, to quote my brother: “I see why you like The Sims games.” because I kept creating families. I even created some random cat-anthropomorphic family (I’d quess I was 8-9 years old based on my drawing style) and there were probably 10 papers of that family alone, of them dressed up in summer clothes and winter clothes. Them as a bit older. Then again bit older. And then much older. And I think eventually there were even a new generation in the last papers.

The most interesting one was probably the stuff I did at the last year of that art school I went to as a hobby once a week after school, I attended it for about 5-7 years. The reason for why I wanted to take a look at that box was because I remembered I had some of my old artwork and “sketchbooks” from the art school there and I was curious to know if I really learn a thing in there because the only things I remember from art school is that I had troubles staying in the class because of my concentration problems. I’d have rather been running around the hallways and investigating places with my cousin (who sometimes had to kinda hold me back by saying that we really can’t do that since we’re supposed to do arts here).

I just checked that diploma I got from the art school and it seems that I did in total 4 school years (240 hours) of that at first - this is dated to 2003 when I was 12. And I continued it the next year but it was a differen’t group, it was about drawing and painting, whereas these first 4 years were about the basics of art in general. I don’t remember if I finished with the 5th year or if I already started the 6th, I just remember I was in junior high and I was starting to lose my interest towards the art school. I think it was the 5th year because that year I got more into horses and started my new horse hobby (that eventually led into me becoming a professional equine groomer many years later).

BUT ANYWAY, I noticed I am very good at analyzing my art and handwriting and could use that to track the art to correct years as I didn’t often have any dates written on stuff, but just based on my comic style (as I just had to include these doodles _everywhere!), I was able to tell that “yes, I drew this one when I was 12, for sure!” And I was right. I estimated that this one acrylic painting I did was from when I was about 11 or 12 or so, and I found the “sketchbook”  and I actually had written quite a nice story there. Very cliché, but I really liked the writing style, especially for it being written by someone who was only 11-12 at the time. The sketchbook’s cover said IV which means it was tha last year of the basic education aka I indeed was 11-12 when I did all that.

Then my brother found some huge drawing that had drawings that looked like something I used to draw, I didn’t even remember about them anymore but I told him that those look exacty like what I did when I was 12 or 13. He also found some huge unfinished drawing that was done with charcoal and I didn’t recognize it, I had no memory of it so I said it’s probably something by my mom because I doubt I had such good drawing skills back then. Then I found a sketch book for that course and based on the comics again, I said it’s probably from when I was 12 or 13. And then I found the sketch of that CHARCOAL DRAWING. So it IS mine, after all? I don’t remember doing it at all, but it looks actually really good and I can’t believe it’s me who has drawn that. I also found a painting and the sketch for that painting from the sketchbook, and I couldn’t say if I used oil paints or acrylics on that. Somehow I have a feeling that it was oil paint but really the only thing I remember from that is how we built the frames on our own and stapled the fabric on it to really do the whole painting from scratch, like literally. The painting itself is not that good - I have never really been a painter. I’m more of a drawer - pencils, colored pencils and fineliners are my thing. I like details and small pictures, and paintings were always so big and huge things and hard to come up with anything because my details still were too small for painting. I like when I have full control over things I do and I could never achieve that with paint, I just never really understood how to work with that - watercolors, acrylic or oil - and I ended up actually hating that because I always only made a mess, and I kinda got an overdose from all that painting because I never really liked it but it felt like it was the only thing we ever did, or that we did that a lot more often than just regular drawing.

I also found some drawing I had done with pencils and I don’t know if it was for regular school or the art school, and it had no year or class number on it, it looked actually pretty good and I really liked how I had worked with the shadows. The human character looked like it didn’t belong into the picture, without him I’d have guessed it was from when I was maybe even 13 but with him I’d say I was rather 11. But it’s so weird because I had drawn there a tiny abandoned house, and the whole drawing was very abstract with some sort of weird cloud, and all that looked so much more “professional” than the human figure. So I have no idea when or where or what was that for, but I’d love to know what was the story behind that. It looked like some serious assignment.

Anyhow, I think I will take out that box tomorrow (or actually today as it’s 7am and I should be sleeping already) because my dad asked if we can browse the drawings together, and that could be lots of fun too. I really want to bring the box to home eventually. There’s so much interesting stuff and lots of memories in those drawings, and I think I might want to take photos of some of the most interesting ones.

[luvdsc]

hey!! it’s 🧋 anon!! i hope you’re doing well! thank you!! ive got 11 more exams this coming week so i’m a lil 🥲 and then 3 more maybe the week after? exactly! i was so paranoid in the exam like “am i suddenly smart or a grade a idiot?” but it’s comforting to know that others feel the same about tests in general 😅. i’m learning python! i know there are better languages but ehhhh it’s just high school sjdnndn. and thank you about my bias choice sjsjndn. oh no not the 10th floor 😭 i’ve heard horror stories 🤧 i just can’t get over how sweet, funny and gentle he seemed in the jolly interview 🥺. thank you!! for letting me claim 🧋! and i wish i could say the same about not knowing that it was released but i’ve legit been checking since pre-quarantine for a boba emoji bc emojipedia said it would be coming out 😭 i had to start claiming it soon bc i’m NOT letting someone take it from me 😠 (but also! look how cute these are: 🦤🦭🐻‍❄️🐈‍⬛ ). as for my regular boba order, i’m still a lil new to the boba world bc i first (finally) tried it like 2 weeks before quarantine 😭. so everytime i go to this boba place (which is hardly ever for obvious reasons) i try to get something different! bc it all seems so cool!! the place i go to has popping bubbles in different flavours! so i always try to get a different drink with different popping bubbles and regular boba. i think my favourite so far is any drink (maybe mango?) with apple popping bubbles and boba!! but i’ve also been making boba at home for agessss and i usually just make regular tea or green tea with it! 💗

awww 😭 thank you ma’am sksndjdj. i mean, you do give off very motherly energy so i’ll happily accept being a baby 🥺 awww you think my accent is cute? ms cat i’m blushing 😭🥺 oof yeah the exams are not fun™️. but like you said, it does kinda prepare us for them more but the stresssssss is 🥲😭 okay so i’ll answer these in order if that’s okay?

do you still have class going on in between these exams? i assume you mean specifically when we have exams? so unfortunately yeah😭 it depends on the teacher as to wether they’ll let us revise in lesson or if we have to do regular work

do the gcse’s determine your college field of study afterwards? kinda? i mean, colleges have a minimum enterance requrement for courses. although it varies course to course, it’s usually somewhere around the 4-5 (high c-low b) mark. but you can do any course you want at college as long as you have passes in most subjects (usually an emphasis on core subjects (english, maths and science)). (so like, if you didn’t do history in high school, but you wanted to do it in college, then you could do the course as long as you meet the courses’ gcse grade requirements).

is college different from uni? yeah! college is for 2 years and straight after high school. in england you legally have to be in education until you’re 18, so all education is free until then, meaning that college is free! (unless you want to go back to do something else later in life). uni is after college and is optional. that’s where you get things like a bachelor’s, masters and doctoral degree. usually it’s for 3 years although it can vary and you have to pay! we have a student loan system too!

don’t worry about the questions! i enjoy the differences too sjdbbdd. and oooo! here, high school is 11-16/year 7-11, then college is (usually) 16-18/year 12-13 (although we don’t tend to refer to them by years) and uni is (usually) 19-22! (although you tend to go back to that for higher qualifications).

ansnsekndj i’m sorry ms cat 😭 and for me college will start in september of next year! we finish year 11 really early compared to the other years (usually we finish in july (my birthday month!!) but in year 11 we finish the day our last exam happens! which is usually around the end of may to the start of june!) so the holiday is the longest we’ll ever have 😭. that’s one of the reasons i envy americans because the summer breaks are SO long 😭 here, they’re 6 weeks sksndn.

i hope i answered all of your questions ms cat! ily! 🐈‍⬛💗~🧋

hi, lovebug!!! 💓 i’m going to put my answers under the cut since they got pretty long 🤧

i’m doing good!! i got soo much sleep over the weekend and am well rested, so this means tomorrow’s 6 am meeting won’t be too bad 🤧 YOU HAVE ELEVEN EXAMS THIS WEEK???? what on earth 😭 that’s like 2 per day and one day has 3 aksjlhflajkdfaskdjf why don’t they spread them out??? and three more the following week 💀💀 this sounds absolutely brutal, i’m so sorry, lovebug. have you been studying for all of them? LOL yeah, i feel like something is wrong if i can just breeze through a test akjdlhsflask python is a good start and easy to understand! honestly, most codes are pretty similar tbh, so once you get a good grasp of one, it’s easy to learn the other ones :’) do you enjoy cs? 💕 aldskjfaslk yeah, jaehyun does seem like the perfect boyfriend, doesn’t he? 🤧💘 LOL i heard there would be a boba emoji, but i didn’t know if it was true or not, but woooo it’s good to know it’s finally here!! 🥳 and omg the dodo bird and seal emojis 🥺💗 those are all sooo cute!!! aslhfdlkjasd first time trying boba, i just gasped out loud 😦 i’m so happy to hear that you enjoyed it once you tried it though! 💜 omg the popping bubbles are really yummy! and i LOVE mango!!! 🤩 that’s one of my favorite fruits :’) same with apple!! omg you’re making boba at home asdjhfas i’m so jealous 🤧 i haven’t had any boba ever since quarantine started in march 😭 aaaah i loooove green tea and black tea ones :’) have you tried the cheese boba tea before? i thought it wasn’t going to be that good, but i was pleasantly surprised with the taste, like it wasn’t that bad actually. cloud tea is also really nice, too ☁️💞

akjashdlfkja you are the absolute cutest omg 🥺💖 the british accent is sooo nice like wow, you can just be reading me your grocery lists and i’m like 🤩 amazing, perfect, wonderful, never been done before. meanwhile, i’m here with some kind of american valley girl accent LOL 🤧 you shouldn’t be having that much stress at 15 what the heck 😭 i wish they would cut down on the number of exams for you because having 11 in one week is not okay at all ): and oh my goodness, thank you sooo much for giving me such thorough answers to all my questions, honey bee 🥺💛💛✨

ah, we also have classes going on during exams too, so i can relate unfortunately. it really sucks when the teachers continue to teach new material, instead of helping you prepare for the big exams /:

ooo i see!! i think it’s really cool that colleges actually show minimum requirements for acceptance. here, there’s no set criteria at all, so it’s kind of a shot in the dark. they do post the averages of past students’ grades/scores and whatnot, so we have a vague idea of what each school wants, but some schools are weird af, like my friend with a lower gpa and less extracurriculars got into stanford university, meanwhile my one friend who won essentially the youth’s version of the nobel prize and was even acknowledged by obama during his presidency was waitlisted 😬

oh wow, i wish it was like that here :o education is so expensive in the US, like student debt is the norm. do you still have general education classes in college, or is this where you can choose a specific field of study? and university is only 3 years oh my gosh wow, only three years of tuition to pay!! the US could never /: it’s like 70k/year for private universities, 5k-15k/year for public schools in state, and 15k-35k/year for public schools if you’re out of state 💀

the words “college” and “university” are pretty much interchangeable here in the US, so that’s really cool to know! years 6-8 / ages 11-13 (i think that’s the age range?) is considered middle school here, so it’s interesting to see that some of those years are considered high school for you :o

ooo ok, that’s when my school years ended too back in high school! i ended in may and started school again in august. but in uni, i started in september and ended mid june :’) ah yes, our summers are around 2-3 months, and i really miss having that now that i’m out of school 😭 only 6 weeks??? that’s so short omg i’m so sorry ): do you have anything fun planned for your summer? also, do you have prom there? 💕

thank you soooo so much, sweetpea, you answered all of my questions so nicely, and i appreciate you so much 💝💝 ily too, and i hope you have a good week ahead, angel!!! 💖🌷

[thestuckylibrary]

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Anon 1 said:

hey!!! ok so this is SUPER vague but it was a oneshot i read back in 2016/early 2017 and it was something like the avengers travelling through steves memories or something???? I'm not sure if the memories were bucky related because i remember at the end bucky is there????? sorry for how vague this is but it might be post cacw and vision might be involved but if u can't find this no worries!!!!!

orchidsrule sent in Mindstones and Other Malfunctions* by HunterPeverell (complete | 21,025 | E) *rape/noncon, heed the tags

Anon 2 said:

hey where’s that fic where ppl dig up bucky and think he’s steve?

Anon, abarbaricyalp, dragonflybeach and gwydions sent in Seven times Steve Rogers was not what everyone expected him to be (+1 time he really, really wasn't what everyone expected him to be) by StuckySituation (complete | 3,515 | T)

buckysxmetalxarm said:

Hi, sorry, I tried looking through ao3 tags searching a/b/o, omega!steve alpha!bucky, mpreg but I don't remember enough bout the fic to find it :/ I kno it’s a/b/o & Steve‘s an Omega and he’s pregnant, (was since before the ice but didn’t know it) & the Winter Soldier is really attracted to his scent & Steve doesn't know why cause other Alphas shouldn't like the smell of pregnant Omegas that aren't theirs but like it is Bucky's so he likes it? That's all I remember? Sorry & thank you in advance!

Anon 3 said:

Hey a few years ago I read a long ass stucky fic. The author used “real” events from the mcu but added much more detail. Eg they wrote missions w the howling commando etc. back then it wasn’t completed and somehow lost is. In a chapter where Steve was on his first (?) mission (the one where he was looking for buck) and Came back with Bucky. During that time they already made some experiments w Buck and he was starting to feel weird while staying in a tent w Cap?? I was wondering if you know which one I mean and if yes is it still up?? What’s it called??

Anon 4 said:

I'm having a hard time finding this fic- I think it was a pwp where Bucky like accidentally Pavlov'd Steve into getting hard every time he put his hair up? Does anyone know what I'm talking about asdfghjkl

getstucky and Anon sent in Classical Conditioning by johnboyegabombs (oneshot | 424 | M)

Anon sent in knee jerk by mcwho (oneshot | 530 | M)

deep-dark-purple said: (sex work)

Trying to find a College/Dom!Steve/Sub!Bucky/prostitute!Bucky/John!SteveAU that Ive lost & Ive had no luck Bucky is hustling through college(TJ era)and Steve(big/older)is going back & they meet in science class/go to group study sessions I think & then catch feelings Meanwhile theres a lot of rope tying(Steve took classes to do)& a scene I remember vividly is where Bucky comes but Steve purposely makes it so Bucky doesnt get the release of it though Bucky says something like You ruined it & sobs

Anon sent in Ain't No Rest for the Wicked* by Kellyscams (complete | 305,786 | E) */others, sex work, alcohol

Anon 5 said:

Could you help me with this particular fic that happened after Civil War it's basically Steve taking Bucky to an isolated place while getting rid of Bucky's winter soldier activation code-- Steve gets hurt a lot before he finally made it through the entire code without Bucky going violent. Thanks!

Anon sent in après nous le déluge by tomorrowsrain (complete | 9,257 | T )

Anon 6 said:

I’ve been looking for this fic for ages - modern times but canon compliant up until tws. I think the fic is post-tws. Bucky finds a pregnant cat (or cat with kittens?) and keeps it. He then later on gives each kitten to an avenger and, i believe, keeps momma cat. I’m not sure how stucky centric it is

sweet-nightingale-96 said:

Hi, I was wondering if you can help me find a fic. In this fic Bucky has escaped hydra before Steve wakes up. Bucky has no memories of his time in Hydra, but he is there when Steve becomes an Avenger. I believe the story was called The Red Star, or something like that. But I’m not sure. I do remember it retelling the movies from Avengers (2012) and onward with Bucky in it, if that helps?

Anon 7 said:

hi there was this one fix where Steve and Bucky were fwb in the 40s and Steve confessed to Bucky he shot Steve down thinking he was protecting him and fast forward to the present where Bucky doesn't remember what he did to Steve only that they were intimate

princessniitza sent in chapter 10 of Ain’t No Grave (Can Keep My Body Down)* by spitandvinegar  (restricted, complete | 107,076 | M) *past rape/noncon, heed the tags

Anon 8 said:

I'm looking for a fic where bucky moves in with Steve who's a retired captain and the entire fic they're learning how to be roomies while also pining and at one point bucky is in a bathtub full of kittens and i can't remember the title for the life of me. Any thoughts?

bennettmp339, teenagemutantninjamushroom and therandomravenclw sent in Critical Feline Mass by Kryptaria, rayvanfox (complete | 39,533 | T)

Anon 9 said:

Hi! Ive gone deep In my ao3 history and in your post caws tag and I just can’t seem to find this fic I’m looking for. I just can’t recall the fic description. What I remember from it is Bucky sneaking into the avengers tower & only Steve knows for a while and Bucky always gets high on Steve’s Tranquilizer lollipops. At the end Bucky confesses he’s loved Steve the whole time & Steve gets upset & beats up punching bags. This has been a week long search & I hope it’s findable!

bennettmp339, teenagemutantninjamushroom and ice-whisper sent in Sparked Up Like a Book of Matches by Sena (oneshot | 26,734 | M)

tygerblaze said:

It was Stucky, where Tony sees Bucky undergo the chair torture by General Ross. Decides, I’m gonnna break him out, cause no one deserves that. He calls Steve from the road while Bucky is recovering in the car, it becomes a slight road trip and Bucky becomes friends with Tony. Not sure if it’s post civil war or post tws.

Anon, itsagentromanoff, dragonflybeach and getstucky sent in i need a forest fire by tomorrowsrain (complete | 65,815 | T)

Anon 10 said: (sex work)

I'm dying- I can't find this fic and I don't remember a whole lot. I think Steve was a small dom and had Bucky as a client (I think?) and they were trying like binding (?) and Bucky safeworded and left in a panic and it led to Steve dropping. Bucky came back and was like "?? is this top drop are you dropping" and Steve was like "yeah" and I can't remember anything after that lmao I could've sworn one of the tags was topdrop but I couldn't find it and I... need help ty <3

time-lord-no-more, Anon, lesbianhozier and princessniitza sent in we are the things that we do for fun* by Nonymos (complete | 35,585 | E) *sex work

Anon 11 said: (rape/noncon)

Hi, I`m searching for a fic it was from Ao3. Bucky and Steve had a relationship before. The Winter Soldier is brought back to the tower. At some point he is in a room together with Steve. The other looking at them via cameras. The WS has manipulated the look at the door so Steve can´t get out of the room an the others can´t get in. The WS/Bucky forces himself on Steve, who doesn´t fight back, because Steve thinks when Bucky is totally himself again he would be terrified of his actions otherwise.

Anon sent in Even When I Had Nothing* by AnnaFugazzi (complete | 57,457 | unrated) *cw noncon ; extremely dark themes ; extreme angst ; abusive relationship

[comradeocean]

I haven't read Arya x Gendry in like ... 6 years. I caught up a bit this week. Here are some I really like! 

[30 some fic recs after the jump]

post 8x01 Arya keeps looking for reasons to visit Gendry in the forge. - mmh post episode askbox fic

Somewhere to Begin, MissAtomicBomb (mrs_nerimon) The Stark sisters share a moment in the wake of some impactful reunions. - lmao my most frequently used GoT tag was "westeROS" (remember Ros???) followed by "Stark famly dynamics." So Stark sisters hashing things out... my kryptonite

Beautiful & Deadly Sharp, vlaurie17 Learning to fight with a sword were some of Arya's best memories. Sansa, however, was hesitant. “What do I do with it?” “Stick ‘em with the pointy end,” Arya smirked. Sansa just rolled her eyes, “Obviously." - also Stark sisters revisiting being Vengeance-made-girls together and practising to knife someone

I'll sing for you, Ravenclawpride06 Set post 8x1. Gendry wants it bad. Arya wants it worse. Was going to more explicit but I left it vague, felt it fit better in the end. All the pining! - I’m soft for the pining

This is my wish, crazychipmink "As he studied the drawing she had given him, he slowly began to let himself believe that she was real and alive and well. He had thought about Arya so many times that the memory of her was worn in his mind. Fragile and faded, like a piece of parchment that had been read too many times. To tell the truth, sometimes, he couldn’t even remember what she looked like, only that she was the only thing he ever wanted, ever wished for.” - season 8 episode companion fic series - ao3 tag: weapons design processes are long and require many iterations - “Davos assumed he was waiting to play his part in the great war to come, but in reality, Gendry was waiting for the next remarkable thing to happen to him. Perhaps if enough remarkable things happened to him, he would finally let himself believe that the most remarkable thing that had ever happened to him had happened.” wow ok

Who are you waiting for? crazychipmink [incomplete] "She had Arya’s face and Arya’s voice and even Arya’s smile. But despite all that, he felt like he had just spoken to a ghost. An unnatural ghost of Arya, pretending to be the girl he was in love with. Gendry had traveled to the end of the world to find her, but now that he finally had, she was gone." - the angst universe evil twin version of the fic above - we will take it bc we love to suffer - and also bc the author promises "fluff" and "eventual romance" ok sounds real but ok

the thing with feathers, yanak324 If anyone is capable of bringing the old Arya back, it’s this man in front of her, which is precisely why she must walk away. - a more (immediately) optimistic read of how Arya's in episode enactments of being No One might have gone

and in the end, jeeno2 [incomplete] Five times Gendry Waters is an idiot and the one time he figures things out. - Gendry being dumb is kind of a thing and I'm not always the biggest fan of how it plays out in fanon but this is sweet!

 The She-Wolves of Winterfell, vixleonard The pack survived. So has the Stark habit of keeping secrets. - 2nd generation Stark girls. Arya's daughter matter-of-factly saying "Stark women don't get married" - a whole ass mood.

Mid-Battle, Mary_West Sandor has something important to say to Gendry - if only Gendry can live long enough to hear it.

season 8 AU My Lady sanctuary_for_all Gendry and Arya find each other again. (AKA the plotline Gendry deserved in 7X07) - fic convention I am 100% here for: Arya scrabbling around Gendry's face looking for the seam. fic convention I am 100000% here for: Arya throwing off her glove in order to do so and then holding her hands against his cheek

Nights are for You (or Five Times Arya Visits Gendry in the Forge and One Time Gendry Visits Arya in the Castle) ASwornStark She hasn’t visited the forge since Jon returned home with the dragon bitch (the Stark sisters’ favored name for her) and him in tow. - reunion fic

season 7 Before We Jump, MissAtomicBomb (mrs_nerimon) Arya Stark's bastard boys bond on their way to the Wall. - anything for some good rowing references and bastard subjectivity

earlier laughing 'till our ribs get tough (that will never be enough), belasteals "Gendry took one look and laughed so hard that wine came out of his nose, until Harwin gave him a thwack alongside his ear." - A Storm of Swords, Arya IV (or, Gendry's POV on Acorn Hall) - real ones can't get enough of book canon and Acorn Hall.

Butcher, elephant_eyelash Gendry and Arya by the fire, discussing jacket potatoes and thinking murderous things. - perfect meditation on food and hunger and care

Dissimulo, Somnio, jeeno2 She is no one, now. But still the boy with the black hair haunts her dreams. - honestly the showrunners are cowards for not going there. let No One be Vagina Dentata Personified 2kwhenevertheBraavosiseasonsaired

post canon/canon divergent Charcoal, elephant_eyelash All about winter and feeling the cold. - weird how I'm obsessed with self-loathing and wintry alienation and the weight of history and ancestry but also devotion also love. super weird totally unexpected

Five Things Gendry Only Says in the Dark, jeeno2 Where no one else can hear him. - loneliness, shame, self-loathing. the important emotions. oh and spoiler alert some joy.

Like Wenda, Furious_Winter "...she could ride with Gendry and be an outlaw, like Wenda the White Fawn in the songs." - my favourite canon AUs are Arya and Gendry with the Brotherhood and my absolute favourites of those are when they are apart (who's ever heard of a marauding smith??) but have some of miserable bittersweet understanding and they glower at each other and make each other jealous and everything is unspoken but this is it this singular love they have for each other that doesn't quite work out. I've just realized that most of these recs are highkey angsty oops. anyway, this fic is like the most complete and perfect distillation of everything I want. - also this is so richly detailed and complete in itself. immensely satisfying. - yeah ok Furious_Winter is actually the master of post canon together but not Arya/Gendry love is not always enough fics. I'm just going to recommend all of them: - The Wolf's Head Helm [The Starks are back in Winterfell and Sansa is Queen in the North. One day, Arya receives a gift from an old friend... - Arya is in Sansas's queensguard.]  - A Means To An End (incomplete) [Arya Stark has returned from Essos and has been staying at the Inn at the Crossroads. Things are not nearly as simple as she sees them. - fuck this one hurts so good] - A Bastard At Heart [Arya and Gendry marry other people for the good of the kingdom 'cause they're self sacrificing like that. the last line took me outtt]

the truth is, baby you're all that I need, belasteals “You were jealous,” he laughed, almost shocked. “Arya Stark of Winterfell, jealous of a whore.” - sirens This One Is Not Angsty sirens

A Girl Meets a Boy, Hotpie A girl takes a face; a girl takes a lover. - possibly my favourite Crossroads Inn fic. love the Faceless Man stuff. love the detail of Needle having a smallest spot of rust, from Braavosi Steel Pox and Arya feeling a ways about it. love picking up the Melisandre thread.

So Easy To Love, Val_Creative She misses Gendry's complaining, too enthralled with staring. "You smell like Dennett's underarms," Arya murmurs, leaning in, going for blunt honesty. Gendry opens his mouth, beginning to laugh, turning uproarious and smiling. She's never seen anything more beautiful than this. More kissable than Gendry's mouth. - the summary makes it seem like it's all kissing when there is actually a big chunk of plot - in service of eventual kissing, yes, - but! spoiler alert! they don't even get to it in this fic! not exactly - maybe why I love it a lot??

With Bells in Her Hair, semicolonlife [incomplete] The further south they travel the more Gendry starts to wonder if he truly knows this woman who wears Arya Stark's face. As he begins to doubt himself more and more, Gendry becomes obsessed with the strange bells she wears in her hair. - ruthless slightly wonky Arya is my favourite Arya.

Wayfaring, Rainfallen An accidental series centered on the same basic headcanon of how Gendry found himself in the North and how Arya found her way back to it. - wolf girl Wolf Girl WOLF GIRL

Seen, sanctuary_for_all Being important matters less than who you're important to. - He wasn't sure what that verdict was, however, until she returned the unfinished sword to rest position with a deeply satisfied expression. "I am going to kill so many people with that sword." It was probably a bad sign for his long-term sanity that Gendry felt deeply complimented by that. "Happy to help." my useless heart: pikachu face - see! I like fluffy HEAs too

Hearts, sanctuary_for_all Arya comes home to her family. (Future flash) - look, I just think it's really important that even married and with children, Arya continues murdering people uwu

other AUs/misc I'll Run (Run To You), belasteals “You would rather marry a lowborn knight than a high lord, then?” She grinned, all bared teeth and sharp eyes. “I’d rather marry no one at all, else I'd not play at this mummer’s farce.” “What about the man who outruns you?” “Nobody outruns me.” (Greek mythology fusion: Arya as Atalanta, Gendry as Hippomenes. Arya vows only to marry the man who can outrun her in a footrace) - Atalanta, Mononoke, Arya. same energy.

[murcuryretro]

3:09 a.m (est) 7-8-20

So JUST now, I was watching a T.V show called “Toys that made us” which actually inspired me to never stop dreaming. Althought the sales of toys have dramaticllly declined,the passion and creativity behind these toys is what makes them LEGENDARY. There are toys that will be forever KNOWN. Imagine creating something that never dies , making history as well. Amazing, truly inspiring. Now with that being said, decided to write down some of my thoughts before going to bed. Before logging in, the wifi randomly had cut off, cutting off the show I had been watching, and decided it was a sign to get on the laptop instead. I get on it, but to my “surprise” NO WIFI. I then ask my bf whos been sitting on the couch playing with his new switch for a few hours, pretty much since I got home from work Ive seen him sitting there and still is, IF he can please check the router. Anything the requires some brain power , is too much for him!!! I over loooked it for so many years, now its starting to bite me in the ass. He then gets up to check the wires, and ask if I had pay. I said no but its not due yet. Also even if it was overdue they dont CUT everything off until way after. ANYWHO, I use my hotspot so that I can check, and its not due until the 15th, SO AGAIN, i ask him to check the wires, because there were clear instructions on the screen about what might be wrong and it wasnt the WIFI it was the router itself. So we had internet , just wasn’t properly transmitted. So after asking him to check the router, he quickly starts complaining about the mess the last cable guy made, complaining how he cant turn it on and, giving me an attitude and a tone because he just can’t, doing the bare min, literally TOUCHED 1 wire and gave up, saying he feels better if someone else disconnects the wire to check, as he goes back on the couch, THEN complains how we HAVE To call them and give them a piece of our mind since we are paying customers. Funny thing is , when we says “we”, he means ME. He would never actually get on the phone and explain to a company his fustrations. It would be me, while hes most likely sitting on the couch playing video games or REALLY mad sitting on the couch not playing video games, because of the wifi. What bothers me most is the lack of responsiblity he takes on. Also like he wants to avoid all grown men responsiblities, its become the biggest turn-off and been thinking of ways to have real conversation with him without him getting butt hurt because he is very sensitive, also he plays victim and I cant let him do that. He is not a victim at all , in anyway, but the second i confront him about something he is trying to avoid, he plays victim. Im so tired of being the one that has to constantly asses every situation were ever in. Hes the man for goodness sake. In reality he’s a beta and I’m in alpha. which makes this kinda hard. Previous relationship , we were both alphas and as much as we did bump heads, we also agreed on a lot and learned things together as the are new to us. Other times, we both take the lead in situations and it was like working with 2 heads rather than 1. Now it feels like just 1 head with 2 people. And like they always say, 2 heads are BETTER than 1. I just feel so lost, because I’m so use to have a Man that can handle business without me, who uses their OWN judgement, I don’t even want to talk down on him, but as time goes on and were not doing anything for ourselves,I start to feel this hole, void, in my heart, something is missing, something is wrong. Why is he such a good person with a great heart but lacks what makes a person resilent. For years he has lied to everyone about having his license. Why ? Im not sure, not that I lived with him for a over a year, I know why, hes scared of real life responsiblities that he would have to handle himself because no one else will. No health insurance, even tho its free now in days, because thats just another responiblity he does not want or care to have, Even for his own health. UNLESS I push him, which I have brought up so many times, but I can not do it for him.Then his license, I have asked him to get it and he said okay, never did, asked him again, said he will do it, does it and forgets the date, then he says he will make a new date, havent heard anything about. I dont know how much more I need to annoy him about ?! Since I’ve met him  Im the ONLY driver, driving us everywhere. Any place, its me. Since 2016, its 2020. Not sure whats stopping him, He also brags a lot about the money he makes and he saves it, buys some toys for himself, and takes me out on dinner dates. Which I apprecaite so much of course, but I wish he would do more for himself. Hes just so scared of life I believe, I could be wrong, but thats all he seems to prove since Ive met him! Very sensitive and he likes attention. NEVER noticed that until a FEW people brought that up and I do see that very clearly now. Its hard to have a partner who only values what he says and disregard me. I can let him talk and I go along with it, he on the other hand, cant wait for me to stop talking and he never gives any kinda feedback because he wasnt really listening. Im getting pretty tired of it. Im starting to think I may have made the wrong decision. Whenever something is wrong its like I need to be the leader of the problem and fix it myself, and I think he thinks I like the idea of being the head bitch in charge but in reality its exhausting and just one sided. I have never seen him actually take control of a critical situation without my help. I always end up being the one to finalize everything, as if he HAS to go thru me. Which I do appreciate but it just also feels like he does it to hand me down the rest of the solution. Like NO! Once in a while would be nice if he did things that turn out fine, all alone. NEVER happens. I know of everything and mostly fix it myself.Even THINGS, Hes not hands on so things that would need a quick fix, something my dad would fix easily, john would have a total meltdown and give up fast as fuck. I thought having a person this gentel would be good for my soul but I think its the opposite. Since the day that we rekindle our friendship 2 years ago,I started using hard drugs, LITERALLY the day after we hung out at a show we were both at. I havent been okay since dec 2018 and i though dating him would make me feel better and help fix that void in me, so far, nothing.... I can see I’m stringing this relationship along and Im not sure if I should continue.I have very high hopes with living an amazing life with him, I always saw it in him , that WE would be perfect for each other. I think I based a book by its cover and the first two pages and ran with it. Without reading the whole book, and its not turning out so much as what I thought we would be. He quickly became like a grandpa once we started to date, and then telling me he didnt like when i went out, it was just so shocking considering that we , him, I and all my friends would go all the time, he loved he things I loved to do too, so wtf ?! He almost changed into a person I didnt want to date, the second we started to date. So confusing and almost decieved. Almost he faked how chill he was to get closer to me, It wasnt until a year ish later that I realized , I have been seeing only 1 side of him, the side he wanted me to see, and I loved it, and then the real him I didnt Know and frankly Im not sure if I really like. He loves me so fucking much, but I dont feel fulfilled. Something feels very off, I am missing something and I truly dont know what it is. I hope that we can help each other grow whether alone or together, I just want to know what I wanna do with my life and I need more motivation than what Im getting right now. I feel like im slowing my life down and going no where. I dont like it and I dont want this going on any longer.I NEED to find my way!!!! I hope hes there either as my bf or my friend and we work things out. wish me luck in whatever  I choose to do. THNXX  

[fyrapartnersearch]

Partner search!

Hello all! I’m looking for a skilled, experienced 1x1 partner or two for a Discord roleplay. I have a few particular plots, though please feel free to come with your own ideas. Please read to the end as there is a password I won't answer messages without.

•General/Writing Style•

I usually prefer sticking at around 4 paragraphs and up, but quality over quantity for the most part. If you usually write 3 paragraphs or less, it'll be hard for me to stay interested, however. I would prefer you write in 3rd person, past tense. Please have decent grammar and spelling, varied vocabulary and sentence structure, as well as decent syntax. Please provide me something of substance to respond to in your responses. Please also be somewhat experienced.

•Age•

18+ only, but 21+ preferred (I'm 23)

•Timezone•

Mine is EST. I do not mind what timezone you're in.

•Response Frequency•

I'd prefer if you could respond at least once a week. I'm a pretty busy student can't definitely commit to much more than that, so I won't ask that of you. Please try to communicate when you will be gone or significantly less active for several weeks or more. I will try to do the same.I'm a bit less lenient with this when we're still doing introductions, so if we've barely said hello but a few days pass and I hear nothing, I'll assume you're no longer interested or never were in the first place and close our discussion. You are free to assume the same of me.

•Genre•

I'm a sucker for Romantic Slice-of-life with a healthy dose of drama and angst, but I do like to weave other genres in there too such as Supernatural, Mystery, Action, and Adventure. I'm really open to most things if the plot interests me.

•Gender and Romantic Preference•

I strongly prefer playing a female main outside of MxM. Beyond that, I am open to MxF, FxF, and MxM . Currently, I'm mostly in the mood for an MxF or possibly F//. My apologies, but please note I do not play male in MxF unless we have roleplayed other pairings together before and have highly compatible writing styles. I rarely double up.I do not engage in dichotomy personality dynamics(ie- dom/sub, ABO, top/bottom) and like pairings to be close to even as possible in contributions to the relationship. If a scene gets intimate, I'd prefer we fade to black.

•Plots/Creativity•

The plots I’m looking to do atm are listed below. Despite this, you're more than welcome to share plots of your own. I'd prefer it if you are open to brainstorming plot points and bouncing ideas off each other too- let's keep this interesting for both of us so it stays alive.

•OCs•

I would prefer not to roleplay with OCs that are excessively shy, Mary-Sues, or OP. Additionally, please ensure your own OC does not monopolize the plot with their own issues and background. Let's share the spotlight.I tend to play multiple characters and would prefer if you did too.Please do not control my main OC or any named side characters I introduce. It can really mess with my plans with them if you suddenly auto-kill out of nowhere or something... If necessary, I may permit you to control a side character of mine, but please run it by me first. Communication is key.

•Platform•

Discord is strongly preferred. I can potentially be convinced to use kik, tumblr, or line.

•Fandoms•

I am willing to roleplay within the universe of several fandoms, but please note I do not roleplay as canon characters and would prefer not to roleplay with canon characters either. Please recall that I am more than happy to do original plots too if you aren't into any of these.-Corpse Party**-Black Mirror-Death Note-Avatar The Last Airbender*-Downton Abbey-Call The Midwife*-Dragon Quest(IV-IX)***-Miraculous Ladybug****(I'd love to delve into the more subtle, darker elements like the consequences of a broken miraculous and time travel)-Fruits Basket**-Soul Eater*-The Hunger Games-Harry Potter(The number of * indicates craving)

•Original Plots•

(Muse I would like to play is bolded. If neither are bolded, I can do either. All of these are open to brainstorming and tweaking!)

Muse A was born into a society where ‘falling in love’ is not a thing. Sure, it’s written in about fairy tales and even history texts, but most Readers laugh it off as a silly, archaic concept. All couples are formed by reading Cerebral wavelengths, stats that are unique to every individual. Every person has a single match and are paired with that person permanently when they come of age. No trades, no take-backs. Muse B, though born into the regular world, doesn’t believe in love either. Perhaps it was the plight of their parents, or that one nasty breakup. Perhaps it was the sight of all the couples around who’d be lovey-dovey one week, but strangers the next. Whatever it is, they don’t buy it. That suits Muse A just fine- their Cerebral wavelengths not only don’t match, they bang together in a cacophony. Why is it then that these two begin experiencing an undeniable pull to each other?

One night, Muse A is taking their usual jog through the park when they trip right over Muse B tying their shoe. Cliche start is cliche, I know, but stay with me here. After some initial awkwardness, the two hit it off quite well. Flash forward a week or so and the pair are starting school in the same class, Muse A as one of the typical debutants, and Muse B a lucky upstart on a basketball scholarship. Muse B had high hopes for where things’ll go…only to find out Muse A has a boyfriend, who happens to be Muse B’s nemesis on the courts. Whoops. But something’s really off with the couple. As in the boy is downright awful, and it isn’t just the rivalry talking. Yet Muse A refuses to leave him…why is that?

(This is an older one of mine, but I’ve recently kinda been in the mood to start it up again.) Marianoh’s Culinary Institute is the most renowned school for culinary arts in the country. Any who truly wish to be a master chef would be foolish not to attend. Unless they don’t have the means- the tuition is insanely high. Muse A is part of the lucky few of humble beginnings that has been selected to attend via scholarship. They couldn’t be more excited. Muse B, on the other hand, comes from a family of celebrity chefs. Their spot at Marianoh’s was confirmed before birth. Yet, somehow, they don’t share Muse A’s joy. Far from it, actually. What happens when the two are partnered up for the year?

(A brand new one definitely open to suggestions) St. Cornelius’ Academy(or University) is an academic institution reserved only for those of royal or noble background as well as their future servants, attendants, and body guards. Students of the academy hail from kingdoms where individuals are born gifted with control over the 8 elements- light, wind, flame, flora, lightening(tech), water, earth, and darkness. Students are divided based on status into ‘Golds,’ ‘Greys,’ and ‘ The ‘Gold’ category includes all royalty and nobility aside from viscounts and barons of low birth. The ‘Gray’ category includes future ladies and men in waiting, other servants, attendants, and body guards. Students are instructed in all areas in order to best prepare them for their future roles from political science to etiquette to combat. Given the wealth of a portion of the student body, the campus is a vivacious display of luxury, featuring lavish gardens, seemingly endless grounds, state-of-the-art learning facilities, and even an expansive kitchen headed by a world renowned 31 star chef. Currently, I have three potential pairings in mind for this set-up.

-Muse A is a new lady in waiting assigned to a spoilt, catty Duchess of Aquaria(Water Kingdom). Catering to the every whim of the young princess-to-be is exhausting, but her goal of reaching far greater heights than her questionable background merits keeps her going. What faster way to do that than catching the eye of Muse B, the princess’ bethrothed and crown Prince of Aquaria using abilities bequeathed to her by her merpeople ancestry? The lines between acting and reality are prone to blurring, however and actual feelings soon begin to muddle her plans. Muse B isn’t as unaware as he first seems either..

-Muse A is the somewhat naive prince of Angion(Flora), unsure of his future. He’s distant from his fiancée, Muse B a cold, proud Marchioness of the same kingdom, and his closest confident is one of his newest body guards, Muse C. Little does he know, that Muse C has quite the secret- she’s truly a girl whose taken on her brothers identity to serve. What will happen when all comes into the open?

5. Muse A has always been at the top of their class since early elementary and thrived on it. They come from a family of high achievers where failure is neither seen nor accepted. Proud and arrogant over their achievements, their grades make them, them. All that changed when Muse B showed up, smashing the entrance exams with marks unheard of. Of course Muse A wouldn’t take that lying down, thus, the classic rivalry begins. What happens when the two find they have more in common than they thought? Life on Muse B’s side is not all it seems as well.

Contact Instructions: Please message me here on tumblr  (https://lisanimelis.tumblr.com/) with your favorite color and a writing sample. If all goes well there, we'll move to discord.